- Dale McDonald: [looking over his sled dog team of wiener dogs] How come my dogs are a dog-and-a-half long but only half a dog high?
- Biggs: We have a signed contract.
- Dale McDonald: We do?
- Biggs: [holds out a contract and a pen] Sign here.
- Dale McDonald: [signs it]
- Biggs: Yes, we do.
- Dale McDonald: Oh. Well can't we make a new contract? One that says I don't have to do what you say?
- Biggs: I'm sorry, I don't have a pen.
- Dale McDonald: But you just gave me this one.
- Biggs: Exactly. That was my only one.
- Dale McDonald: There's something sinister going on in this town. Sinister and... uh... what's another word for sinister?
- Constable Al: [gasps] Lieutenant Wright! You are here from headquarters!
- Lieutenant Wright: Let me hear that gasp of surprise again.
- Constable Al: [gasp]
- Lieutenant Wright: Well I suppose that will have to do. Although I'm not sure you leapt out of your chair with regulation shock.
- Constable Al: [reading a coupon] Buy seventeen cans of beans, get the eighteenth for half price. Oh dear, if only I had been receiving that before purchasing those eighteen cans of beans.
- Dale McDonald: You know what you need? A girlfriend.
- Constable Al: Really? Oh my goodness gracious. Could romance be the one missing piece of my life for which I have been searching these twenty long minutes?
- Dale McDonald: Or a toboggan!
- Constable Al: But I would not even know where to be getting one.
- Dale McDonald: At the hardware store!
- Frank Shackleford: He's talking about a girlfriend!
- Dale McDonald: So am I! I almost got a date in the aisle where the toilet parts are.
- Rover: It was an unholy beast. Half man, half wiener dog. A were-wiener! I've seen 'em before. Seen what they can do. Even fought one once. Tore a big hole in my pant leg, near the ankle. Almost broke the skin! I couldn't wear shorts for a week!
- Jacques LaRock: I do not know how to thank you for this.
- Dale McDonald: Just knowing that I'm being paid is thanks enough.