- [after Craigie has been killed by a knife in the chest]
- May Cuttle: Inspector, I know you think the master was probably murdered, but you are going about this in quite the wrong way!
- D.C.I. Barnaby: And how would you describe his present situation?
- Heather Beavers: Well, it's obvious. He's been astrally harvested.
- [rolls her eyes]
- D.C.I. Barnaby: Then how do you explain a carving knife stuck in his chest?
- Heather Beavers: A celestial lance.
- D.C.I. Barnaby: With "Made in Sheffield" stamped on it?
- [finding that Craigie's hair is a wig]
- Sergeant Troy: I said he was dodgy, right from the start!
- D.C.I. Barnaby: Well, maybe, but wearing a wig is no reason to kill a man. With one or two notable exceptions.
- D.C.I. Barnaby: [Troy narrowly misses hitting a pickup truck] You have taken the driving course, haven't you, Troy?
- Sergeant Troy: Yes sir. Four or five times.
- D.C.I. Barnaby: [to Sgt. Troy after another rough ride] That driving course, did you ever finish it?
- Sergeant Troy: Suhami, she calls herself.
- D.C.I. Barnaby: Yes she is, isn't she?
- Sergeant Troy: What?
- D.C.I. Barnaby: Beautiful. I'm a copper. I notice things like that.
- Ken Beavers: It had to be a complete stranger. The Master himself was not pleased. I could tell.
- D.C.I. Barnaby: What do you mean? What stranger?
- Heather Beavers: Why, Mr. Gamelin, of course. The Master seemed to reach out to him as he fell, like this... Why you? Why you, he seemed to be asking. Such pain, such bewilderment on his face.
- Ken Beavers: I'm surprised Trixie didn't mention it to him.
- Heather Beavers: Then again, they are old friends, astral allies.
- D.C.I. Barnaby: Hold it right there. Why?
- Ken Beavers: Oh, don't think bad of Heather, Inspector. It's not nosiness. It's just her cosmic aerials are so finely tuned.
- D.C.I. Barnaby: Oh, all of this clap trap. I'm not interested in her cosmic aerials. So can we please have no more chat about astral powers? This man has been murdered and whoever killed him will pay for it. Now, can you please tell me in plain English why Guy Gamelin would want to kill Ian Cragie?
- Heather Beavers: Oh, because his daughter planned to give her inheritance to the lodge.
- D.C.I. Barnaby: Bad moment?
- May Cuttle: No, no. Memories, inspector. Grief and joy... mixing like pork and mustard. Not that I've had pork in years.
- D.C.I. Barnaby: Mr. Beavers.
- Ken Beavers: Yes?
- D.C.I. Barnaby: I'd like another word with you, please.
- Heather Beavers: What about?
- D.C.I. Barnaby: About brothels, Mrs. Beavers. Or rather the one you and your husband ran in Hull. The place where the trawlers used to come from.
- Ken Beavers: Oh dear. It was a very good brothel.
- D.C.I. Barnaby: Oh, I'm sure.
- Heather Beavers: It was a partnership like John Lewis's, in that the staff used to share the profits with us.
- Ken Beavers: No one was ever pressurized. No one got hurt.
- Heather Beavers: As two or three high ranking police officers could have testified to at our trial, but didn't.
- [pause]
- Heather Beavers: Inspector? Does this have to become common knowledge?
- D.C.I. Barnaby: You mean will I tell anyone? I'm a policeman, Mrs. Beavers, not a gossip.
- Ava Rokeby: [Last lines] Mr. Barnaby.
- D.C.I. Barnaby: Oh, Ms. Rokeby.
- [pause]
- D.C.I. Barnaby: Oh, do sit down. We were just talking about you. A certain recipe brought you to mind.
- Ava Rokeby: You said you'd give me something special after the arrest.
- D.C.I. Barnaby: Yes I did. I was lying.
- Ava Rokeby: That is outrageous.
- Cully Barnaby: Well, what do you expect? He's a policeman.
- Ava Rokeby: I kept to my side of the bargain, stayed clear till it was all over.
- D.C.I. Barnaby: Yes you did. Tell me this then. Your contact up at the manor house. What was his name?
- Ava Rokeby: Lips are sealed. Ethics.
- D.C.I. Barnaby: It was Ken Beavers, wasn't it? You even bought him a mobile telephone with which he could reach you. How much did you pay him?
- Ava Rokeby: Again, ethics.
- D.C.I. Barnaby: Bye bye, Ms. Rokeby.
- Ava Rokeby: 1500 quid. Come on Barnaby, something to follow up with tomorrow? You promised me.
- D.C.I. Barnaby: Hull Crown Court, September 1991. Ken and Heather Beavers. Brothel keeping.
- [Rokeby smiles]
- D.C.I. Barnaby: Your readers will love it. I know I did.
- D.C.I. Barnaby: Mr. Craigie. Can I have a word? I'd like to see Mr. Carter's room.
- [a young man bolts past, running up the stairs]
- D.C.I. Barnaby: Wait, where are you going? What's your name?
- Ian Craigie: Uh, this is Tim Riley, Inspector.
- D.C.I. Barnaby: Well, let him speak for himself. What's your name?
- Ian Craigie: As a matter of fact, he doesn't speak at all.
- D.C.I. Barnaby: Is that because he can't or because he won't?
- Ian Craigie: You say that as if the first were forgivable, the second a sin. That will be the policeman in you, forever doubting.
- D.C.I. Barnaby: Did you know Mr. Carter well?
- Ian Craigie: I thought so, but clearly we were strangers.
- D.C.I. Barnaby: Because he liked to drink and you didn't know?
- Ian Craigie: A cry for help, wouldn't you say?
- D.C.I. Barnaby: Maybe he just liked having secrets. That must be the downside of communal living. Don't have any privacy. What other secrets, I wonder?
- Ian Craigie: Such a wise companion. Such a kind and generous man. And yes, a great reader all his life. I met him shortly after he came out of prison.
- [pause]
- Ian Craigie: I thought that would interest you, Inspector.
- Sergeant Troy: What did you make of him, sir?
- D.C.I. Barnaby: Cragie? Hmm, it's what Cragie made of me ten years ago that rankles. 20 times 12 is 240 quid, plus VAT.
- Sergeant Troy: Honestly, sir. Your wife? Assertion training? Coals to Newcastle, surely.
- D.C.I. Barnaby: If only it had been cooking.
- Sergeant Troy: Craigie and that boy Tim. What do you reckon? Hanky-lanky?
- D.C.I. Barnaby: No, I don't think so. I think Cragie's that rare thing, a good man. Remember them, Troy?
- Sergeant Troy: You ask me he's as dodgy and daft as the rest of them. Peace, love and grow your own goats.
- Ian Craigie: Chief Inspector, welcome. We haven't met, but, uh, May tells me your wife attended one of our courses. Assertion training, I believe.
- D.C.I. Barnaby: Yes, I remember. 12 sessions at 20 quid a throw, plus VAT. You must be...
- Arno Gibbs: This is our beloved master, Chief Inspector.
- Ian Craigie: Not so much master. More map reader to my fellow pilgrims.
- [extends his hand]
- Ian Craigie: Ian Craigie.
- Ian Craigie: [First lines] What do you want to meet out here, Bill? What's wrong with the house?
- William Carter: In case we have to drop our guard.
- Ian Craigie: I have none. I am as you see me.
- William Carter: Ten years we said we'd give this place and then we'd cash in. Time's up. You've been fobbing me off.
- Ian Craigie: Yes, I know. But to a purpose, Bill. I mean look how far we've come in those ten years. A real journey of discovery, wouldn't you say?
- William Carter: All I want to discover is how much of it is mine.
- Ian Craigie: And what about our fellow travelers? Do we leave them stranded at the crossroads of your selfishness without directions ?
- William Carter: For God's sake, I'm fed up with that kind of talk. If you want to stay on, fine. Get the place valued and buy me out.
- Ian Craigie: I don't have the wherewithal, you know I don't.
- William Carter: Then take out a loan.
- Ian Craigie: I've got a far more exciting proposition for you, Bill. Stay on. Carry on helping me to run the lodge, recruit more travelers. I mean, look at what we've created here. A way of life neither of us dreamed of.
- William Carter: If I had known you'd wind up believing your own lies, I'd never have come in with you. Where's the old you? The one who...
- Ian Craigie: I know what I was capable of, Bill. I don't need reminding of it.
- William Carter: And couldn't you remember what I was capable of when people tried to cheat me?
- Joyce Barnaby: What does Sergeant Troy think?
- D.C.I. Barnaby: What does Sergeant Troy think? Sergeant Troy thinks I'm a bastard. I made him stay overnight at the lodge in case one of the visitors does a moonlight flit.
- D.C.I. Barnaby: Anything to worry about?
- Dr. Bullard: In life Tom, almost always, but in this bloke's death, nothing.
- Trixie Channing: Well, you're not here to see me. So, why are you here, Guy?
- Guy Gamelin: I've come to see my daughter. It's her birthday.
- Trixie Channing: You mean that sad little girl is yours? Yes, it figures. Is she expecting you?
- Guy Gamelin: The Craigies are.
- Trixie Channing: There's only one Cragie, and he's a man.
- Ken Beavers: Excuse us.
- Heather Beavers: Excuse us.
- Guy Gamelin: What sort of place is this?
- Trixie Channing: It's a refuge, Guy, for people who have been damaged by people like you.
- Guy Gamelin: [chuckles] Oh, I see. A one night stand with me damaged you, did it?
- Trixie Channing: Four nights, actually. It's funny that I remember the quantity, not the quality.
- D.C.I. Barnaby: On the other hand, perhaps we ought to take May seriously.
- Sergeant Troy: What? "Oh God,. Why couldn't you leave well enough alone? If they do a postmortem," dot, dot, dot. It's not much to go on.
- D.C.I. Barnaby: You've convinced me. Hope we haven't missed something, something crucial.
- Sergeant Troy: Like what, sir?
- D.C.I. Barnaby: The dark forces at work, Troy.
- D.C.I. Barnaby: [deboning a fish] Greater love hath no fish that then he should lay down his life for my lunch. How's the sauce coming?
- Joyce Barnaby: It's a wee bit lumpy. Tastes okay, though.
- Cully Barnaby: You remind me of someone. It's either Raymond Blanc or Jack the Ripper.
- D.C.I. Barnaby: You wait until you taste it.
- Joyce Barnaby: It still looks a bit funny.
- D.C.I. Barnaby: [Barnaby goes to throw the bones out when he sees May Cuttle] it's that May Cuttle from the lodge of the...
- Cully Barnaby: Oh, the commune.
- D.C.I. Barnaby: Yeah, the commune up the manor. She's here again. Say what you like, but I'm not here!
- Joyce Barnaby: Leave her to me!
- D.C.I. Barnaby: Treats me like her local Bobby!
- Cully Barnaby: Well, because that's what you are, Dad.
- Joyce Barnaby: I am, I can, I will get rid of her!
- [pause]
- Joyce Barnaby: Ms. Cuttle. Actually we just...
- May Cuttle: This is terribly urgent!
- Joyce Barnaby: Miss Cuttle, uh...
- May Cuttle: [searches through the house] Um, Mr. Barnaby,
- D.C.I. Barnaby: Yes, Miss Cuttle. How are you?
- May Cuttle: I'm in the pink, Mr. Barnaby.
- D.C.I. Barnaby: Oh, good.
- May Cuttle: Alas, Mr. Carter is a definite shade of gray!
- Ian Craigie: [First Lines] What do you want to meet out here, Bill? What's wrong with the house?
- William Carter: In case we have to drop our guard.
- D.C.I. Barnaby: Did you know Mr. Carter well?
- Ian Craigie: I thought so. But clearly we were strangers.
- D.C.I. Barnaby: Because he liked to drink and you didn't know?
- Ian Craigie: A cry for help, wouldn't you say?
- D.C.I. Barnaby: Maybe he just liked having secrets. That must be the downside of communal living. Don't have any privacy. What other secrets, I wonder?
- Ian Craigie: Such a wise companion. Such a kind and generous man. And yes, a great reader all his life. I met him shortly after he came out of prison.
- [Barnaby takes notice]
- Ian Craigie: Yes, I thought that would interest you, Inspector.
- Joyce Barnaby: Oh, darling.
- D.C.I. Barnaby: You shouldn't have waited up.
- Joyce Barnaby: That's all right. Do you want a cup of tea?
- D.C.I. Barnaby: No, no, no. Whiskey please. Large, large.
- Joyce Barnaby: That bad, eh?
- D.C.I. Barnaby: Mm hmm.
- [pause]
- D.C.I. Barnaby: Those people at the lodge, I misread them. I thought they were harmless. Plainly one of them is not.
- Cully Barnaby: Maybe they struck a chord with the aging hippie in you, Dad.
- D.C.I. Barnaby: Look, Mr. um...
- Raymond Jennings: Jennings. Raymond Jennings.
- D.C.I. Barnaby: Mr. Jennings, the first time I met Ms. Channing, she had a scar here and a bruise there.
- Trixie Channing: And you think that Raymond - that I was coming back for more?
- D.C.I. Barnaby: I'm sorry, Ms. Channing. Not particularly fond of men who beat up women.
- Raymond Jennings: Oh, really? And how do you feel about women who beat up men. ?
- D.C.I. Barnaby: I'm sorry?
- Trixie Channing: Raymond's wife, Mr. Barnaby. She was a husband beater. And when Raymond and I got friendly, she turned on me as well.
- Sergeant Troy: How big is she?
- Raymond Jennings: Arnold Schwarzenegger would tremble. But yesterday my divorce came through. I'm free of her.
- [wraps his arms around Trixie]
- Raymond Jennings: We're free of her.
- Arno Gibbs: I swear I had no idea there was a new will or that we were named in it.
- May Cuttle: Of course, you know what it means, don't you?
- Arno Gibbs: Tell me.
- May Cuttle: With all our new responsibilities and everything, I'm afraid we shall have to grow up.
- Ken Beavers: If we... if we can hurry, Master. You know how ratty Gaius Quintus gets when we're late.