Stranger Than Fiction (2006)

Will Ferrell: Harold Crick

Photos 

Quotes 

• Harold Crick : I brought you flours.

• Harold Crick : Ten seconds ago you said you wouldn't help me.

  Professor Jules Hilbert : It's been a very revealing ten seconds, Harold.

• Harold Crick : [to Ana]  This may sound like gibberish to you, but I think I'm in a tragedy.

• Harold Crick : I may already be dead, just not typed.

• Professor Jules Hilbert : Aren't you relieved to know you're not a Golem?

  Harold Crick : Yes. I am relieved to know that I am not a Golem.

  Professor Jules Hilbert : Good.

  [silence] 

  Professor Jules Hilbert : [sighs]  Do you have magical powers?

• Harold Crick : Big flag-burning to get to?

  Ana Pascal : Actually, it's my weekly evil-conspiracy and needlepoint group. You wanna come?

  Harold Crick : I left my thimbles and socialist reading material at home.

  [Ana laughs] 

• Kay Eiffel : [Penny goes to answer phone]  Don't answer that!

  Penny Escher : Didn't you say this phone never r - ?

  Kay Eiffel : Shh!

  [types another sentence; the phone rings and she runs to answer it] 

  Kay Eiffel : Hello?

  Harold Crick : Is this Karen Eiffel?

  Kay Eiffel : Yes.

  Harold Crick : My name is Harold Crick. I believe you're writing a story about me.

  Kay Eiffel : I'm sorry?

  Harold Crick : My name is Harold Crick.

  Kay Eiffel : Is this a joke?

  Harold Crick : No. No, I work for the IRS. My name, Miss Eiffel, is Harold Crick. When I go through the files at work I hear a deep and endless ocean.

  Kay Eiffel : [gasps; drops phone in terror]  Oh, G - !

  Harold Crick : Miss Eiffel?

• Harold Crick : [crying]  You're asking me to knowingly face my death?

  Professor Jules Hilbert : Yes.

  Harold Crick : Really?

  Professor Jules Hilbert : Yes.

• Harold Crick : How are you?

  Ana Pascal : I'm lousy. I'm being audited.

  Harold Crick : Of course.

  Ana Pascal : By a real creep too.

  Harold Crick : I think I owe you an apology.

  Ana Pascal : Really?

  Harold Crick : IRS agents, we're given rigorous aptitude tests before we can work. Unfortunately for you, we aren't tested on tact or good manners, so I apologize.

  [stammers] 

  Harold Crick : I ogled you. Sorry.

  Ana Pascal : Okay, apology accepted. But only because you stammered.

• Kay Eiffel : [sees Harold for the first time]  Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

  Harold Crick : Miss Eiffel?

  Kay Eiffel : Your hair. Your eyes. Your fingers. Your shoes.

  Harold Crick : Hello. I'm Harold Crick.

  Kay Eiffel : I know.

• Ana Pascal : I won't be paying, Mr. Crick. No matter how big the percent.

  Harold Crick : No, I know. But the percent determines how big your cell is.

• Harold Crick : You keep your files like this?

  Ana Pascal : No, actually I'm quite fastidious. I put them in this box just to screw with you.

• Harold Crick : You have to understand that this isn't a philosophy or a literary theory or a story to me. It's my life.

  Professor Jules Hilbert : Absolutely. So just go make it the one you've always wanted.

• Harold Crick : Aren't you too old to go to space camp?

  Dave : You're never too old to go to space camp, dude.

• Harold Crick : What do these questions have to do with anything?

  Professor Jules Hilbert : Nothing. The only way to find out what story you're in is to determine what stories you're not in. Odd as it may seem, I've just ruled out half of Greek literature, seven fairy tales, ten Chinese fables, and determined conclusively that you are not King Hamlet, Scout Finch, Miss Marple, Frankenstein's monster, or a golem. Hmm? Aren't you relieved to know you're not a golem?

  Harold Crick : Yes, I am relieved to know that I am not a golem.

• [Harold meets Jules Hilbert for the first time] 

  Professor Jules Hilbert : So, you're the young gentleman who called me about the narrator?

  Harold Crick : Yes.

  Professor Jules Hilbert : Says you're gonna die.

  Harold Crick : Uh, yes.

  Professor Jules Hilbert : Uh-huh. How long has it given you to live?

  Harold Crick : I don't know.

  Professor Jules Hilbert : Dramatic irony. It'll fuck you every time.

• Ana Pascal : I'm a big supporter of fixing potholes and erecting swing sets and building shelters. I am more than happy to pay those taxes. I'm just not such a big fan of the percentage that the government uses for national defense, corporate bailouts, and campaign discretionary funds. So, I didn't pay those taxes. I think that I sent a letter to that effect with my return.

  Harold Crick : Would that be the letter that begins, Dear Imperialist Swine?

  Ana Pascal : Yes.

  Harold Crick : Miss Pascal, what you're describing is anarchy. Are you an anarchist?

  Ana Pascal : You mean, am I a member...?

  Harold Crick : Of an anarchist group, yes.

  Ana Pascal : Anarchists have a group?

  Harold Crick : I believe so, sure.

  Ana Pascal : They assemble?

  Harold Crick : I, I don't know.

  Ana Pascal : Wouldn't that completely defeat the purpose?

• Professor Jules Hilbert : You dislike your work?

  Harold Crick : Yes.

  Professor Jules Hilbert : Well, not the most insightful voice in the world, is it? First thing on the list of what Americans say they hate: work; second, traffic; third, missing socks. See what I'm saying?

• Dr. Mittag-Leffler : Mr. Crick, you have a voice speaking to you.

  Harold Crick : No, not to me - about me. I'm somehow involved in some sort of story, like I'm a character in my own life. But, the problem is that the voice comes and goes, like there are other parts of the story not being told to me. And I need to find out what those other parts are before it's too late.

  Dr. Mittag-Leffler : Before the story concludes with your death.

  Harold Crick : Yes.

  Dr. Mittag-Leffler : [clears throat]  Mr. Crick, I hate to sound like a broken record, but that's schizophrenia.

  Harold Crick : You don't sound like a broken record, but, it's just, not schizophrenia.

• Harold Crick : What if what I said was true? Hypothetically speaking, if I was part of a story, a narrative... even if it was only in my own mind... what would you suggest that I do?

  Dr. Mittag-Leffler : I would suggest you take prescribed medication.

• [standing outside Ana's bakery, Harold starts to lose it] 

  Kay Eiffel : Harold suddenly found himself beleaguered and exasperated, standing outside the bakery...

  Harold Crick : [screaming upwards]  Shut up!

  Kay Eiffel : ...cursing the heavens in futility.

  Harold Crick : [continuing screaming]  No I'm not! I'm cursing you, you stupid voice! So shut up and leave me alone!

• [Harold is talking with a coworker, Dave, in the IRS archives] 

  Harold Crick : Dave, I'm being followed.

  Dave : [looks around]  How are you being followed? You're not moving.

  Harold Crick : It's by a voice.

  Dave : What?

  Dave : I'm being followed by a woman's voice.

  Dave : Okay. What is she saying?

  Harold Crick : She... She's narrating.

  Dave : Harold. You're standing at the water cooler? What is she narrating?

  Harold Crick : I... I had to stop filing. Watch. Listen, listen.

  Kay Eiffel : [as Harold resumes filing, Kay's voice is heard - but only to Harold]  The sound the paper made against the folder had the same tone as a wave scraping against sand. And when Harold thought about it, he listened to enough waves every day to constitute what he imagined to be a deep and endless ocean...

• Ana Pascal : Mr. Crick. Mr. Crick!

  Harold Crick : Yes, what is it?

  Ana Pascal : You're staring at my tits.

  Harold Crick : I wa... I don't think I was. I don't think I would do that. If I was, I can assure you it was only as a representative of the United States government.