Kaamelott (2004–2009)

Lionnel Astier: Léodagan, roi de Carmélide, Léodagan, Léodagan, Roi de Carmélide, Lédoagan, roi de Carmélide, Léodagan - Roi de Carmélide

Photos 

Quotes 

• [Venec is still boasting about his products] 

  Venec : [showing small toothed pliers]  This is part of what I call the travel range. When you are out and you don't want to carry all the other stuff around with you, you take this.

  Léodagan, roi de Carmélide : And that's for?

  Venec : You chop off a finger at the first phalanx.

  Arthur, roi de Bretagne : Well, that's less vicious anyway.

  Bohort, chevalier : Less vicious?

  Arthur, roi de Bretagne : Compared with everything else.

  Venec : It is progressive. One phalanx, another phalanx, if that does not work, you return to the first finger, you take out another phalanx... Anyway, it comes with a booklet which explains it all.

  Léodagan, roi de Carmélide : We can always take four or five of them, not a bad investment.

  Venec : There we go, the whole tour. There is also this...

  [brings out large shears] 

  Venec : It is a beautiful tool, too.

  Arthur, roi de Bretagne : What do you cut with that?

  Venec : Whatever you like really, but it's rather for anything genital.

  Bohort, chevalier : Do you mind if I vomit?

• [Arthur, his knights and Père Blaise are meeting at the round table] 

  Galessin, Duc d'Orcanie : Sire, I'm trying to understand.

  Calogrenant, Roi d'Ecosse : We've succeeded in catching the cattle thief, but he refuses to tell us the name of his accomplice: what are we waiting for?

  Arthur, roi de Bretagne : What are we waiting for?

  [checking with Père Blaise] 

  Arthur, roi de Bretagne : He still doesn't want to talk?

  Père Blaise : Still not. He says that we get on his nerves.

  Calogrenant, Roi d'Ecosse : Even better.

  Galessin, Duc d'Orcanie : Who does he think we are, I ask you!

  Bohort, chevalier : What do you want us to do about it?

  Calogrenant, Roi d'Ecosse : We're not lacking in solutions.

  Léodagan, roi de Carmélide : It's true that it's curious, this not wanting to torture. Where does it come from?

  Arthur, roi de Bretagne : It comes from my home. There's no torture, that's all.

  Bohort, chevalier : It's good that.

  Galessin, Duc d'Orcanie : Yes, it's very good. Very modern.

  Calogrenant, Roi d'Ecosse : And while we're waiting the accomplice is getting away.

  Léodagan, roi de Carmélide : [to Arthur]  Torture, it's not what you think! When it's done by a pro there's not a drop of blood.

  Calogrenant, Roi d'Ecosse : Just taking the tools out he cracks.

  Arthur, roi de Bretagne : And if he doesn't crack?

  Léodagan, roi de Carmélide : Ah well, then it's butchery!

• Séli, Guenièvre's mother : You know, the roof of your castle's falling apart.

  Léodagan, roi de Carmélide : She's an expert on carpentry now.

  Séli, Guenièvre's mother : I was sitting here at breakfast and a bird fell in my lap.

  Guenièvre : A bird?

  [runs out of the room in a panic] 

  Séli, Guenièvre's mother : What did I say?

  Léodagan, roi de Carmélide : Something stupid.

• Centurion Caius Camilus : What haven't you nicked from the Greeks?

  Léodagan, roi de Carmélide : The costumes.

  Centurion Caius Camilus : Don't get me started on that, it'll finish badly.

  Arthur, roi de Bretagne : The little red skirts with bits of metal that's all roman.

  Centurion Caius Camilus : I've told you I can't stand the skirts but it's the standard uniform, I'm obliged.

  Léodagan, roi de Carmélide : It's impressive!

  Arthur, roi de Bretagne : Oh, yeah!

  Léodagan, roi de Carmélide : When the Ostrogoths see you coming, it really freaks them out.

  Arthur, roi de Bretagne : Centurion Caius Camilus

  [Arthur and Léodagon sing a camp tune] 

  Centurion Caius Camilus : That's not right what you're doing.

• Léodagan, roi de Carmélide : If I sit you on one of my catapults and aim at the Colosseum I like my chances.

• Arthur, roi de Bretagne : Do you know Seigneur Karadoc?

  Guethenoc, peasant : Of course. He's the only member of the court who buys paté by the pound. If everyone did that, there'd never be an unhappy peasant again!

  Arthur, roi de Bretagne : It's true that from a military point of view, weaponary and military strategy, it's not the best. We can say that.

  Karadoc, chevalier de Vannes : I'm not saying anything.

  Arthur, roi de Bretagne : However, if it concerns food-

  Léodagan, roi de Carmélide : There, expert. Prince of the fork, except he eats with his fingers.

  Karadoc, chevalier de Vannes : I fear no-one.

  Arthur, roi de Bretagne : Anyway. We've asked him here to taste your bread.

  Guethenoc, peasant : I also fear no-one.

  Karadoc, chevalier de Vannes : I'll start.

  Arthur, roi de Bretagne : Go ahead.

  Karadoc, chevalier de Vannes : Which one?

  Léodagan, roi de Carmélide : The classic.

  Guethenoc, peasant : Wheat and rye, it's what I sell most of.

  [Karadoc tries a piece] 

  Arthur, roi de Bretagne : Well?

  Karadoc, chevalier de Vannes : It's crap.

  Guethenoc, peasant : What? This is your expert?

  Léodagan, roi de Carmélide : Karadoc, try not to be so categoric.

  Arthur, roi de Bretagne : Try to develop it a bit.

  Karadoc, chevalier de Vannes : There's nothing to develop. It's crap that's all. If they served me this in an inn the innkeeper would get a quiche in his face.

  Guethenoc, peasant : You who are impartial, sire, you try it.

  Arthur, roi de Bretagne : Oh no, I know this one.

  Guethenoc, peasant : Taste it.

  Arthur, roi de Bretagne : Nothing doing.

  Léodagan, roi de Carmélide : With paté it's not magic but alone I feel like I'm eating my shoes.

• Bohort, chevalier : If only the king had your strength of character.

  Léodagan, roi de Carmélide : What with his sword that lights up, his Merlin who does nothing and his lady of the lake who takes herself for a trout, the only thing the king of Britain is missing is a trapeze act.

• Arthur, roi de Bretagne : Who's next to complain?

  Léodagan, roi de Carmélide : I don't know, I don't know the register by heart.

  Arthur, roi de Bretagne : Oh come on, I like to have a rough idea of who's here to complain.

  Léodagan, roi de Carmélide : What difference does it make? We sit there looking like we're listening, we say that's dreadful but there's nothing we can do about it and in an hour we break for a bite to eat. Don't really need a register.

  [both shrug] 

• Arthur, roi de Bretagne : [to quiet a pack of wolves Arthur has been asked to sacrifice the queen]  Stop insisting. I'm not giving you the queen. I've gotten used to her. It's taken long enough and I'm only now becoming able to support her presence. No offence, father-in-law.

  Léodagan, roi de Carmélide : I admire you. I never could.

• Léodagan, roi de Carmélide : That new emperor of yours. What's his name?

  Centurion Caius Camilus : Romulus Augustus.

  Léodagan, roi de Carmélide : And how old is he?

  Centurion Caius Camilus : 11 and a half.

  Léodagan, roi de Carmélide : Talk about a superpower.

  Centurion Caius Camilus : He's really mature for his age though.

• Léodagan, roi de Carmélide : Don't you find it humiliating being ordered around by a ten-year-old kid?

  Centurion Caius Camilus : We only give him about two months before he gets assassinated.

• Léodagan, roi de Carmélide : You don't need to send them all to the room next door. Just send them to Gauvin's.

• Centurion Caius Camilus : When it comes to defence you're not too bad, but as for food? You should come to Rome at least once a year to see what we do.

  Léodagan, roi de Carmélide : Go ahead, we'll follow you.

  Centurion Caius Camilus : Don't take it the wrong way.

  Arthur, roi de Bretagne : For food you may be good, but for manners... We invite you to dinner and you just criticise.

  Centurion Caius Camilus : Invite? Invite? I'm supposed to be occupying the country. I don't need to be invited.

  Arthur, roi de Bretagne : Occupying the country? You still believe that?

• Séli, Guenièvre's mother : What have you done with our daughter today?

  Arthur, roi de Bretagne : Ever since you said there were birds falling through the roof she refuses to set foot in the dining hall again. And she's scared of birds because they have no arms!

  Séli, Guenièvre's mother : How could I have raised that kid without noticing her fear of birds. Like that one

  [points to Yvain] 

  Séli, Guenièvre's mother : , no idea what's wrong with him.

  Léodagan, roi de Carmélide : I have everything you need.

  Séli, Guenièvre's mother : I mean his fears.

  Léodagan, roi de Carmélide : Wasps?

  Yvain, Guenièvre's Brother : Not true!

  Léodagan, roi de Carmélide : Remember that time at his grandfather's? A wasp came flying round and he went all blue?

  Séli, Guenièvre's mother : Oh! That's what that is! That's why he eats in the kitchen during the summer and doesn't set foot outside!

  Yvain, Guenièvre's Brother : Gauvin's cousin got a wasp sting in his mouth and they had to cut his throat open so he could breathe.

  Arthur, roi de Bretagne : What with him who eats in the kitchen and his sister who eats in her room, it's getting quite special.

• Séli, Guenièvre's mother : They should stop giving banquets for 50 people every month.

  Léodagan, roi de Carmélide : This one's for the chiefs of the clans.

  Séli, Guenièvre's mother : So?

  Léodagan, roi de Carmélide : They're not 50. They're 2,000.

• Arthur, roi de Bretagne : That's an excellent battle plan.

  Lancelot : Perfect.

  Léodagan, roi de Carmélide : Hmm. The last time we fought the vandals we had a perfect plan. As I recall we came home with our tail between our legs...

  Lancelot : That was Karadoc.

  Arthur, roi de Bretagne : While trying to catch his horse he strayed into the enemy camp.

  Léodagan, roi de Carmélide : Oh yes, that was it. That story went completely out of my head.

• Léodagan, roi de Carmélide : You're married like me, you know monstrosity can take many forms.