- Eddie: [on turning 40] This is something that is happening to me. This is something that I've got to deal with, alright. I'm sorry if that sounds selfish, but it's me, me, me!
- Eddie: No! No, no, no darling! I will not have a surprise. I will not have a surprise party. If it's going to be a surprise, I want to know about it, alright! Because I want to decide when I'm going to come and what I'm going to wear if I do come, alright? You can't expect me to go to any old bloody party, darling.
- Eddie: Oh, sweetie, sweetie... Oooh, sweetie, darling... Darling, they're gorgeous. Where did you get them, sweetie? Hmm? Was it Harvey Nichols, darling?
- Saffron: Yes.
- Eddie: Well, you should tell me. I can get a discount there, sweetie.
- Saffron: I'm glad you like them.
- Eddie: Well, darling, they're hardly the ill-judged tat you normally give me. I mean, Lacroix, darling... They are Lacroix, aren't they, darling? They're not just something you put in the box, are they, sweetie?
- Saffron: Do you like them or not?
- Eddie: I like them if they're Lacroix.
- Saffron: Well they are.
- Eddie: Oh, good. I like them, darling.
- [At Edina's 40th birthday party]
- Oliver: I think we should leave. I see no point in celebrating the fact that she's lived so BLOODY LONG.
- Eddie: Do you think we ought to get some hormone replacement packs in for emergencies? Do you think so, darling? I mean, one day, sweetie, you could come home and find me just a little toothless old wad of gum on the floor. You'd have to slap some glands on me, quick. I'll get some.
- Saffron: Look, I didn't know what you'd want, so I invited a few people round for family lunch.
- Eddie: Family? What are you calling family, darling? We're hardly the bloody Waltons, are we. Not just you and my mother, I hope. Is it?
- Saffron: Look, will you stop behaving like this, please?
- Eddie: Darling, this is how I behave. Anyway, I'm allowed to behave however I want on my birthday. House rule, remember, sweetie? Hmm? Especially to someone who didn't even think I might like a champagne breakfast. Not even a bloody cup of tea to wake up to on my birthday, no that would be asking too much, wouldn't it?
- Eddie: God, I hate Morgan Fairchild.
- Patsy: I hate Jane bloody Fonda.
- Eddie: I hope all their old skin comes back to haunt them.
- Patsy: I bought that bloody woman's tapes. I paid for those plastic domes on her chest. I want them when she dies.
- Eddie: You know, there must be a moment, about a week after death, when all those women finally achieve the figure they desire.
- Patsy: Skeleton thin with plastic bumps.
- Eddie: The flesh will rot away, but the bumps will still be there. Little coffins full of bones and bumps.
- Patsy: Yes.
- Saffron: You stay and talk to them.
- Mrs. June 'Gran' 'Mother' Monsoon: Oh no.
- Saffron: Go back and talk to them, please.
- Mrs. June 'Gran' 'Mother' Monsoon: I'd rather kiss a baboon's bottom.
- Eddie: [to Patsy] I went to a party the other night, Pats. I thought I looked so gorgeous, so cool, darling. I just flirted and was loud and gorgeous all night. You know, I was Kathleen Turner, Marisa Berenson, everybody...
- Eddie: Family? Family? God, I hope you're not inviting that bloody, bollocky, selfish, two-faced, chicken, bastard, pig-dog man are you?