- Uncle Fester: You know, this could be the start of a whole new career for me: I can get a job at the zoo growin' hair on bald eagles.
- Morticia Addams: [having served tea] It's my husband's pieces de resistance - Creme de la Toadstool.
- Gomez Addams: [from elsewhere in the house] Querida!
- Gomez Addams: [slides down Fester's firemen's pole and rushes to Morticia's arm] Tish! You spoke French!
- Uncle Fester: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who's the fairest of them all.
- [the mirror shatters]
- Uncle Fester: Boy! Am I that hansom?
- [the mirror cashes to the floor]
- Uncle Fester: Wow!
- Uncle Fester: I know that Emily Post says to wait one week, but how 'bout you and me steppin' out tonight? Skateboarding? Water polo? A drive-in movie that's closed?
- Mrs. Dragwater: Well...
- Uncle Fester: It's a date! I'll borrow Mama's motor scooter.
- Morticia Addams: Mrs. Dragwater averted heartbreak by going back to her husband.
- Gomez Addams: Her husband? Rover T. Dragwater? I know him, he's fat, bald and has a high, squeaky voice.
- Uncle Fester: [scoffs] Well if that's her taste...
- [snaps his fingers]
- Morticia Addams: What is it, Lurch? Is something wrong?
- Lurch: Hair!
- Pugsley Addams: Mother, look. There's hair on the chair, too.
- Morticia Addams: Cousin Itt, you're losing your hair!
- [Uncle Fester's potion grows hair on a banana]
- Uncle Fester: Fester! You've done it! The first non-skid banana peel.
- [Cousin Itt checks out his new hair in the mirror]
- Gomez Addams: [responding to Cousin Itt's comment] By George, you do look like a haystack!
- Morticia Addams: Oh, Gomez, would you make the cocktails? You do them so well.
- Gomez Addams: It's that extra sprig of henbane.
- Uncle Fester: [taking Mrs. Dragwater's hand] Such a delicate little hand.
- Uncle Fester: [kissing Mrs. Dragwater's hand] And tasty, too.