- Gomez Addams: All right, you lily-livered goldbrick, are you gonna lie sniveling on that nice, warm bed of nails or are you gonna get up and fight like an Addams?
- Uncle Fester: Well, if it's all the same with you, I'd rather lie here and snivel.
- Gomez Addams: When a pilot crashes, what does he do? He gets right back into that crate and up into the wild, blue yonder again. And when a lion tamer gets ripped up, does he snivel? Does he quit? Not always.
- Arthur J. Henson: [on the phone] Excelso? Henson. Put me on the hot line - this is a red alert. Hello, chief? I want to report a big swindle. Two million dollars. Addams, Gomez. That's right, two D's. H-how did you know? He is? He does? We do? You are? I am? I see.
- [Henson sadly passes the phone to Gomez]
- Gomez Addams: Addams here. I do? I am? I can? I will.
- Morticia Addams: Uncle Fester, I regret to tell you that we're going to have to punish you. You've been spending altogether too much money.
- Gomez Addams: Fester, you won't see another penny of your allowance until 1986.
- Uncle Fester: I held the same job for 37 years.
- Horace Beesley: Selling?
- Uncle Fester: No, public relations! Yeah, my father paid me to keep out of public. Of course, when he died, I retired.
- Arthur J. Henson: Now get this through your thick head, Addams: We're not paying you one more cent, and that is final!
- Gomez Addams: Come come, Henson, you don't really expect me to jump at your first offer.
- Gomez Addams: Well, that was a letdown. I merely stated my position with impeccable logic and the poor devil caved in.
- Uncle Fester: [back from his first day as an insurance salesman] I tried. I knocked on every door in my territory. I was dynamic. I was personable, charming, and magnetic but it wasn't any use. Oh, my career is ruined. I'm all washed up.
- [Fester plods off to his room]
- Gomez Addams: I have a feeling all's not well with Fester.
- Morticia Addams: It's hard to tell. He puts up such a brave front.
- Morticia Addams: [decorating] There now, Lurch. You see what a bit of poison ivy can do for a canon?
- Lurch: Veeeery cheeeerful.
- [Gomez is out sky diving; Morticia explains]
- Morticia Addams: You see, he has this theory - I'm not quite sure that I understand it - but he hopes to prove that if a jumper jumps, using a smaller chute each time, eventually he'll need no chute at all.
- Arthur J. Henson: Well, how far along is he?
- Morticia Addams: He said he'd have it figured one, one way or another, by the end of this week.
- Gomez Addams: You say "cancel the policy?" But why?
- Arthur J. Henson: Well, because the policy doesn't make sense. Things like this: double indemnity for flogging by a carnivorous plant, gunpowder burns, being bitten by an enraged rug.
- Gomez Addams: Ha-ha! Good old Fester. He gave me complete coverage.
- Morticia Addams: Darling, I think you made the right decision.
- Gomez Addams: The best since I put Winthrope in charge of Addams Motors. Remember? Took a failing company and in three months ran it into bankruptcy.
- Morticia Addams: [flatteringly] Dear, you could have done it in one month.
- Morticia Addams: [sniffing delicately at the odor from the just-heard explosion] Just a pinch more sulphur, children!
- Uncle Fester: Well, here I am!
- [adressing Horace Beesley, Arthur J. Henson, Morticia and Gomez]
- Uncle Fester: Hello H.B., A.J., M.A., G.A.
- Gomez Addams: Ahoy, my beloved, time for another great moment in Addams history.
- Morticia Addams: Will it take long, darling? I want to have these traps ready by tonight.
- Gomez Addams: Only a moment, cherie, but... what a moment!