- Jack LaLanne: Say, what do you generally eat?
- Uncle Fester: Oh, the usual thing: eye of newt, puree of aardvark, roast yak.
- Jack LaLanne: You know, they say we're what we eat, and, mister, you really are!
- Morticia Addams: [watching Fester exercise to Jack LaLanne on TV] What's he doing?
- Gomez Addams: He's either dancing to the late late show or exercising to the early early show.
- Gomez Addams: Fester's up to something.
- Morticia Addams: Darling, have you ever known Uncle Fester to be sneaky and underhanded?
- Gomez Addams: Only when he was up to something shady.
- Gomez Addams: Lurch, we know we can count on you. What's troubling Fester?
- [Lurch stands motionless and expressionless]
- Morticia Addams: I think he's trying to tell us something.
- Gomez Addams: Is he in trouble?
- [Lurch remains motionless and expressionless]
- Gomez Addams: [to Morticia] He's beginning to weaken.
- Gomez Addams: [back to Lurch] Is it a money matter?
- Morticia Addams: An emotional disturbance?
- Gomez Addams: A health problem?
- [Lurch remains motionless and expressionless]
- Gomez Addams: We're getting warm - a health problem.
- Morticia Addams: Darling, you're right. Uncle Fester's ill.
- Gomez Addams: Of course, that's it! It's written all over his face. We just had to keep probing.
- Gomez Addams: Just a moment, doctor. Where're you going?
- Dr. Motley: I'm going to... nail up a quarantine sign. I can tell just by looking at you there's an epidemic in this house.
- Uncle Fester: You know, Morticia, when she sees me, a great postal romance is goin' right down the drain.
- Morticia Addams: Brace up, Uncle Fester. She'll love you for what you are.
- Gomez Addams: [indicating his bloated, flabby tummy] All of it.
- Gomez Addams: Fester, where are you going?
- Uncle Fester: Up to my room to sharpen my scalpel.
- Dr. Motley: Your scalpel?
- Uncle Fester: Yes. If my liver count keeps dropping, I may have to operate.
- Morticia Addams: Hello, Houston. This is Morticia Addams, and I'd like to speak to the head of your astronaut program. He's asleep? Well, wake him, wake him. This is a citizen calling.