- Uncle Fester: Oh, these conventions! There're so exciting!
- Grandmama Addams: I remember the first time I voted, 1906.
- Uncle Fester: Now, Mama, you know there was no women's sufferage in 1906.
- Grandmama Addams: That didn't stop me.
- Uncle Fester: You're a real Addams.
- Morticia Addams: Gomez is responsible for putting more criminals behind bars that any other man in the United States.
- Sam L. Hilliard: You, a prosecuting attorney?
- Gomez Addams: Attorney for the defense.
- Morticia Addams: Oh, I do wish they wouldn't shout so. It keeps little Pugley's octopus awake. Poor thing's getting rings under it's tentacles. And my African Strangler, too. It just loses all desire to strangle anyone.
- Gomez Addams: Uncle Fester, is your assignment clear?
- Uncle Fester: I sing, light up and pass out three dollar bills.
- Sam L. Hilliard: Bass?
- George Bass: Boss?
- Sam L. Hilliard: Call my mother and tell her not to wait up for me.
- George Bass: [looking at the Addams mansion] Is all this yours?
- Gomez Addams: Well, we go back to the cemetery.
- George Bass: Ah-ha-ha. We all do, sometime.
- [smiles keenly]
- Gomez Addams: That Sam L. Hilliard. Why, he's an old friend! I hope the L stands for Lucifer.
- George Bass: Uh... it does! It does!
- Gomez Addams: That's our old friend from the school board - Sam L. Hilliard. I've changed horses in mid-stream. That's the Addams way!
- Morticia Addams: Oh, of course.
- Gomez Addams: The L stands for Lucifer.
- Morticia Addams: Very appropriate for a politician.
- Gomez Addams: We want to get our butler, Lurch, on television.
- Morticia Addams: We feel he'll appeal to the women's vote.
- Gomez Addams: Camera moves in. It's a close up of Lurch.
- [bong]
- Gomez Addams: Lurch expresses himself on the candidacy of Sam L. Hilliard.
- Lurch: Ughghghghgh ughghghghghghghgh.
- Gomez Addams: Animal magnetism, you can't top that.
- Uncle Fester: [sings his campaign song] "Don't be a hog, help clean up the bog and vote for Sam L. Hilliard. He'll stick to the issue, he may even kiss ya, so vote for Sam L. Hilliard. Honest and fearless, Sam L. is peerless, he's a man for whom we stomp. So don't be a goat 'n' just cast your vote for the pride of our city swaaaamp."
- Gomez: Don't you realize Politicians always make extravagant promises? Fortunately, I can see through their little games.
- Morticia Addams: Darling, you're so clever.