- Uncle Fester: You mean you're gonna kill yourself?
- Gomez Addams: Of course not. Suicide is the coward's way out. I'm gonna let you kill me.
- Morticia Addams: I've been yours since that first day you carved my initials in your leg.
- Gomez Addams: I have been yours since the day I first saw you riding side-saddle on a buffalo.
- Gomez Addams: This girl needs instruction in the art of love from an expert.
- Uncle Fester: You?
- Gomez Addams: In my younger days I had women eating out of my hand.
- Uncle Fester: A bit messy, wasn't it?
- Gomez Addams: Uncle Fester, I'm baring my soul to you and you just stand there, casually, reading a newspaper, and last years!
- Uncle Fester: I've been trying to catch up on my reading.
- Morticia Addams: Lionel, how good to see you.
- Lionel Barker: You haven't changed a bit!
- Gomez Addams: Except that she's married now.
- Uncle Fester: [about to atempt shooting Gomez for the second time] But I'll do better next time.
- Gomez Addams: You must. It's the only bullet we have.
- Lionel Barker: You certainly married a wonderful girl, Mr. Addams.
- Gomez Addams: Yes. A man so seldom gets the wife he deserves.
- [Gomez writes Morticia a love poem]
- Gomez Addams: When the blazing sun has turned to mud, And the moon lies dead in a pool of blood, And the tom-tom beat of eternity starts, Whom will I love in my heart of hearts? Mortica.
- Morticia Addams: Gomez, that's beautiful.
- Gomez Addams: If your pal put your money into South Tazmanian Oil, you ought to have him boiled in it.
- Lionel Barker: As I remember this Morticia dame, she's even spookier than this house. I know they got dough, lots of it. And we need some, now.
- Uncle Fester: If I wasn't such a rotten shot, you wouldn't be here, would ya?
- Morticia Addams: What's this?
- Gomez Addams: [sighs] I nearly did an impulsive thing, my dear, but my guardian spirit was looking after me. Somebody down there likes me.
- Morticia Addams: Somebody up here likes you too... bubbela.