- Morticia Addams: Why don't you call Mama? She's always ready for an old fasioned Cha-cha-cha.
- Gomez Addams: With all these rocks around, there's not even room for a cha...
- Gomez Addams: Fester, have you got the hammer and chisel?
- Uncle Fester: Here they are, but it's only a loan. I need them for my correspondence course.
- Gomez Addams: Correspondence course? At what?
- Uncle Fester: [as if obvious] Brain surgery!
- Uncle Fester: [looking at Morticia's sculpture] When're you gonna start?
- Morticia Addams: Gonna start? Uncle Fester, I'm almost finished.
- Gomez Addams: Fester, don't be a clod. Don't you know art when you see it?
- Uncle Fester: I know a rock when I see it.
- Morticia Addams: Well, darling, what do you think?
- Gomez Addams: Leonardo da Vinci never did anything like that.
- Uncle Fester: Why don't you buy it?
- Gomez Addams: For a stupid suggestion, Fester, that's positively brilliant.
- Gomez Addams: It's time I put an end to all this!
- Uncle Fester: You're going to tell Morticia the truth!
- Gomez Addams: Exactly. But first I'm gonna tell her a few more lies.
- Morticia Addams: A life must have some fulfillment. I want to do something artistic that the world will remember. Life is not all lovely thorns and singing vultures, you know.
- Sam Picasso: Don't you understand I will not sell my soul?
- Gomez Addams: There'll be a $200 fee.
- Sam Picasso: At those prices... eh!
- Gomez Addams: I like a man with integrity. I wish I knew one.
- Sam Picasso: You keep all of your money in the drawer?
- Gomez Addams: Just petty cash. Big stuff's upstairs in the mattress.
- Morticia Addams: [entering] Ah, Mr. Picasso. My husband's been telling me about you.
- Sam Picasso: Oh, that's a lie. I run an honest gallery.
- [Morticia reveals plans to open a school to help starving art students with her $50,000]
- Uncle Fester: What're you gonna do now, MoneyBags?
- Gomez Addams: What any level-headed man would do - shoot myself.
- Gomez Addams: I'm being forced to dispose of some of my most valuable assets: my game preserve in Nairobi, bamboo plantation in Bali, and - what hurts most of all - the Savings & Loan in Siberia. Oh, you better call Blooker the broker and have him dispose of my Consolidated Fuzz.
- Uncle Fester: Now, if you were smart you'd hold onto your Consolidated Fuzz and sell your AT&T.
- Sam Picasso: [to Lurch carrying out Morticia's sculptures] Throw them in the truck with the others.
- Gomez Addams: Where're you taking them?
- Sam Picasso: At the Tip-Top Quarry. You know, they pay me $30 a ton.
- Gomez Addams: The scoundrels! I buy my rocks at Tip-Top and they charge me $100 a ton.
- Sam Picasso: Aw, but I return the rocks damaged. Speaking of money, Senior Gomez, you know, I will be needing some if you want me to buy more of the masterpieces.
- Gomez Addams: [reaching way back into his nearly empty desk drawer] Can't you bargain a little?
- Sam Picasso: You want me insult an artist?
- Gomez Addams: That's no artist! That's my wife!
- Sam Picasso: It's only money - yours!
- Gomez Addams: Look at yourself in the mirror. Pale, drawn, sunken-cheeked.
- Morticia Addams: Yes. Sculpting does agree with me.
- Morticia Addams: I still have four hours of night light left.
- Gomez Addams: But aren't you coming to bed?
- Morticia Addams: Oh, darling, how can I sleep knowing that somewhere there's a stone uncut?
- Gomez Addams: How about a husband un-cuddled?