The Addams Family (TV Series)
Morticia, the Writer (1965)
John Astin: Gomez Addams
Photos
Quotes
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[Lurch lays out hot coals]
Gomez Addams : [to Fester] You said you'd go through fire for me, old man.
Uncle Fester : Yeah, but not in my bare feet.
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Morticia Addams : Imagine, poisoning a child's mind with all this terrible literature.
Gomez Addams : Children, have you protested?
Pugsley Addams : Sure. We told Miss Doubleday that us Addamses like giants, goblins and witches.
Wednesday Addams : But she just muttered something about nuts.
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Uncle Fester : I can see it all now: Morticia Addams, the new literary sensation, traveling all over the world, drinking it up at those literary teas...
Gomez Addams : ...Making speeches, signing autographs, ha-ha, telling off the critics...
Uncle Fester : We might not even see her for six months at a time.
Gomez Addams : [stunned at the thought] Six months?
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Uncle Fester : Somebody's got to stay at home and take care of the kids.
Gomez Addams : What about you?
Uncle Fester : Oh, I can take care of myself.
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Morticia Addams : My first story: Cinderella, the Teenage Delinquent.
Gomez Addams : Cinderella - ho ho! - my blood boils at the thought of that little minx.
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Uncle Fester : Why don't you just change it a little bit so the publisher won't like it?
Gomez Addams : Tamper with this masterpiece? Fester! That's like asking me to put a mustache on the Mona Lisa, or... or put plastic arms on Venus, or finger-paint on the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel.
Uncle Fester : Well, gee, it was just a suggestion.
Gomez Addams : And a great one! I'll do it!
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Gomez Addams : Well, better to preserve a marriage than a masterpiece.
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Uncle Fester : [reading Morticia's manuscript] "Out of the sweet-scented swamp, Lucifer, the kindly wolf, minced daintily."
Gomez Addams : All right, change that to: "Across a daisy-covered meadow the snarling, sniveling, slathering wolf slunk."
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[Mr. Boswell wants to publish Morticia's book but needs some start-up money]
Gomez Addams : Just as I thought - a bunko artist out for the money.
Uncle Fester : I'll shoot 'im in the back.
Gomez Addams : I've got a better idea.
Uncle Fester : In the front?
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Morticia Addams : Darling, will you please proofread that and send it off to a publisher?
Gomez Addams : Which one?
Morticia Addams : Uh, try Demon Press. They sound just perfect for children's books.
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Gomez Addams : If Keats had had a ping-pong table he'd have lived longer.
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Gomez Addams : Genius often goes unrecogniezed. After all, Dostoyevsky wasn't discovered until he was 56.
Morticia Addams : Well, no wonder. With a name like that, the reviewers probably couldn't even spell it.
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Uncle Fester : What's a matter, Gomez?
Gomez Addams : Fester, you've caught me on the horns of a dilemma.
Uncle Fester : Well, why don't you hop off of it and just tell me all about it?
Gomez Addams : I'm supposed to mail this manuscript to Morticia's publisher but I don't dare!
Uncle Fester : Oh, it's that bad, huh?
Gomez Addams : It's that good! Once he sees this I've lost her forever. There'll be noting but abject misery for both of us. And the children.
Uncle Fester : Eh, so, just don't mail it.
Gomez Addams : I can't do that! She trusts me!
Uncle Fester : That makes it easier.
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Pugsley Addams : Look at these books they gave us to read in school: "A Treasury of Mean Witches, Evil Giants, Wicked Goblins & Other Bedtime Stories by Moricia Addams."
Wednesday Addams : Mother, how could you? Yuch!
Gomez Addams : Children, please, watch your language. Besides, your mother didn't write those. I did.
Morticia Addams : Gomez, you?
Gomez Addams : Children, please go play with your spiders. Cara, much as it hurt to rewrite those glorious phrases of yours, I... I had to do it.
Morticia Addams : And I know why.
Gomez Addams : You do?
Morticia Addams : You wanted to prove that the only thing that publishers will print today is junk.
