- Morticia Addams: [reading aloud from Gomez' play] And then he takes poison... and then she takes poison... and they both die happily ever after.
- [as if he's a circus performer, Gomez balances a chair, an 18" rubber ball, a dinner plate and a vase with flowers midair on his chin]
- Uncle Fester: I wish that doctor could see him now.
- Morticia Addams: Doctor?
- Uncle Fester: You know, the one that said our family was unbalanced. Gomez has got plenty of balance.
- Uncle Fester: [seeing Itt rehearse the part of Claude] Are you sure this part doesn't call for a taller man, someone like me?
- Morticia Addams: No, Cousin Itt is perfection, but, Uncle Fester, you could be the understudy.
- Uncle Fester: You mean if, uh, something happens to him, like if he gets clobbered, uh, I could play Claude?
- Morticia Addams: Of course.
- Uncle Fester: [grinning] Uh-huh...
- Uncle Fester: [fetching a mace] Itt, let's go down to the playroom. We can rehearse together.
- Morticia Addams: Darling, I'm so happy. I think Cousin Itt has finally found himself.
- Gomez Addams: That isn't easy under all that hair.
- Erich von Bissell: [upon hearing Cousin Itt speak] Oh, that's impossble! I will not work with such insanity!
- Morticia Addams: Please! Cousin Itt is very sensitive. Where'd he go?
- Gomez Addams: Where any sensitive artist would go when his feelings are wounded - up the chimney.
- Erich von Bissell: [reappraising Cousin Itt] He looks like a raccoon and talks like a gopher, but he HAS possibilities.
- Morticia Addams: Gomez, Mr. Von Bissel may have a point. I do think Itt's voice is a bit too fast for the average listener.
- Gomez Addams: We never noticed that.
- Morticia Addams: Yes, I noticed it in that last scene we did. Perhaps we'd best take him down to the playroom and work on his voice, bring out that fine timber.
- Gomez Addams: Great idea, but we'll have to watch out for splinters.
- Morticia Addams: [about Itt] His voice is much too high. I wish we could lower it.
- Gomez Addams: Maybe we should drop him down a well.
- Morticia Addams: Hello, Wednesday, darling. Welcome home. Did you enjoy school?
- Wednesday Addams: Pugsley flunked spelling again.
- Uncle Fester: A real Addams!
- Sam Derrick: [upon meeting Cousin Itt] Amazing! Incredible! We leave for Hollywood tonight.
- Gomez Addams: Hollywood?
- Morticia Addams: But I thought Broadway was in New York.
- Sam Derrick: Madam, I am on my way out to Hollywood to do a picture - The Hairy Beast from the Mars Canals - and he'll be perfect in the title roll!
- Morticia Addams: Oh, it's all my fault, Gomez. When I changed his voice I changed his whole personality.
- Gomez Addams: Oh, it's not your fault. It's just, uh... It's just, well... Come to think of it, it is your fault.
- Gomez Addams: [having written another play] You should hear the big scene: This character, Charlie, can't pay back the twenty dollars he owes; this other fellow, Pete, demands a pound of flesh.
- Gomez Addams, Morticia Addams: Twenty dollars for a pound of flesh?
- Uncle Fester: Sounds fine to me.
- Morticia Addams: It does?
- Uncle Fester: Yeah. You should go in a butcher shop and see the prices they're getting.
- Gomez Addams: [In an aside to Morticia] Querida, perhaps he would make pear-shaped tones if we gave him a pear-shaped head...
- Morticia Addams: That's a WONDERFUL idea, darling!