- Morticia Addams: Oh, my darling sister. In the hands of a scheming adventurer. A lonely hearts club Bluebeard! Oh dear... if Cousin Itt hadn't been such a playboy, they might be married by now.
- Gomez Addams: Perhaps we can have another talk with the little Rouet. 'Rouet', that's French... I wish you'd said that.
- Gomez Addams: Well, querida, what do you think?
- Morticia Addams: He's charming.
- Gomez Addams: Rich.
- Morticia Addams: Attractive.
- Gomez Addams: Magnetic.
- Morticia Addams: Impossible.
- Gomez Addams: Exactly. Too perfect. The man's an obvious phoney.
- Morticia Addams: Impostor. How shall we prove it?
- Grandmama: Well if you have so much money, what were you doing at a lonely hearts club?
- Morticia Addams: Mama, please!
- [to Horatio]
- Morticia Addams: What were you doing at a lonely hearts club?
- Horatio Bartholomew: I was looking for a simple girl.
- Grandmama: You sure struck oil!
- [an explosion]
- Morticia Addams: Pugsley's new chemistry set. He's making a different kind of TNT.
- Gomez Addams: Those educational toys certainly keep a boy out of mischief.
- Morticia Addams: I wish I could say the same for Uncle Fester. I caught him cheating at checkers.
- Gomez Addams: Inexcusable! Unless he was playing for money.
- Ophelia Frump: My life is ruined.
- Gomez Addams: Sounds kind of serious.
- Morticia Addams: A man.
- Ophelia Frump: Brilliant, charming, cultured, rich.
- Gomez Addams: Live?
- Ophelia Frump: Yes, I... I'm almost sure he was alive. My mother objects.
- Gomez Addams: Granny Frump? Egad, she must be sick. Why?
- Ophelia Frump: She says if he's in love with me, there must be something wrong with him.
- Gomez Addams: That's a point.
- Morticia Addams: Darling, you know so much about the world.
- Gomez Addams: I've lived in it all my life.
- Horatio Bartholomew: [after Morticia makes a play for him] Mrs. Addams, you're beautiful, charming, cultured, talented, intelligent, witty, rich and completely feminine. You're just not my type.
- Gomez Addams: They're running him through their computer.
- Morticia Addams: Ah, the marvels of science. They're running him through their computer, and he's walking in our garden... all at the same time. Amazing.
- Ophelia Frump: Oh, shame, shame. To pillory that poor man with your outrageous slings and arrows. Oh Horatio my love, I'm coming.
- Morticia Addams: I must save my poor deluded sister from the clutches of that beast.
- Gomez Addams: Right. She's deluded enough without him.
- Ophelia Frump: But I love Horatio.
- Gomez Addams: The man's a bounder and a cad.
- Morticia Addams: And not a very nice one.
- Gomez Addams: [playing cards with Horatio for money] Nothing like hard cash on the line to weed out the ribbon clerks.
- [Horatio and Ophelia break up]
- Gomez Addams: Ophelia, he's the second richest man in the world.
- Ophelia Frump: My mother taught me never to settle for second-best.