- [the family enjoys some front yard moonbathing]
- Morticia Addams: Gomez, darling, do be careful. You know how prone you are to moonburn.
- Gomez Addams: Never fear, Querida. My skin is so white it won't peel anymore.
- Morticia Addams: This is the bitterest blow since the city made us fill in our lovely patch of quicksand.
- [Morticia gives Gomez a driving lesson]
- Morticia Addams: Now, darling, listen: You're going through a school zone.
- Gomez Addams: School zone.
- Morticia Addams: Your speedometer is registering seventy-five miles an hour.
- Gomez Addams: Seventy-five per.
- Morticia Addams: What are you doing wrong?
- Gomez Addams: Blocking traffic?
- Morticia Addams: Think, darling. Think!
- Gomez Addams: Of course! I'm not waving to the little nippers as I drive by. "Hi ya, kids! How are ya!"
- Morticia Addams: [reporting on Gomez] He's taking his written test.
- Uncle Fester: Good. Then he'll never get to the driver's test.
- Gomez Addams: [to the Strife photographer] Strife Magazine has been one of our favorites.
- Morticia Addams: We simply devour it from cover to cover.
- Uncle Fester Frump: Aw, it's delicious.
- Morticia Addams: Darling... I've hired a private detective to find your favorite photographer... just haven't heard from him yet.
- Uncle Fester: Well maybe you you oughta hire a private detective to find the private detective you hired?
- Morticia Addams: I'll have Lurch lay out your best suit.
- Gomez Addams: Querida! This is my best suit.
- Morticia Addams: Oh?
- Gomez Addams: Don't you remember? I bought dozens of them. I've worn nothing but best suits.
- Morticia Addams: Of course, dear.
- Morticia Addams: Uncle Fester, how 'bout you? Would you like another little dab of lanolin?
- Uncle Fester: Ah, no, thanks. I like it but it gives me heartburn.
- Morticia Addams: Uncle Fester, the last time we moonbathed you ate the goose grease, this time the lanolin.
- Uncle Fester: Well, what'd you expect me to do with it, smear it all over my face?
- Morticia Addams: You were such a distinguished little baby, with such a distinguished little mustache.
- Gomez Addams: Yes. Saved Mama the trouble of straining the baby food.
- [the search for Gomez's favorite photographer ends]
- Morticia Addams: He now works for the Department of Motor Vehicles. He takes the pictures they use on the driver's licenses.
- Gomez Addams: What a proud thing it is to live in a state with such high aesthetic requirements.
- [Gomez has never been able to drive]
- Gomez Addams: True, but there's very little I don't know about the modern horseless carriage.
- Uncle Fester: Except how to shift gears.
- Morticia Addams: And steer.
- Uncle Fester: Yeah, and, uh, put on the breaks.
- Gomez Addams: Well, those things do give me a little trouble.
- Uncle Fester: A little trouble! Remember the Blue Falconberg we had?
- Gomez Addams: Heh-heh, Big Blue! Ho-ho, nothing could stop that car. Scorching desert. Snow-covered mountains. She could go anywhere!
- Morticia Addams: Except between two streetcars.