- Gomez Addams: Oohooh, Tish, when you speak French you drive me wild! Speaks some more French, Tish. Anything! Toute allure! La plume de ma tante! Mademoiselle from Armentieres! Anything!
- Morticia Addams: [appreciatively] You are a devil.
- [Gomez learns that Dr. Mbogo, the family's African witch doctor, isn't making anymore hose calls]
- Gomez Addams: I should have engaged that pygmy witch doctor when I had the chance. He was reliable. Besides, he could travel for half-fare.
- Gomez Addams: Lurch, I'm afraid you're going to have to apologize to Uncle Fester.
- Lurch: Ughhhhhhhhh.
- Gomez Addams: That's better.
- Morticia Addams: Dear Lurch. He expresses himself so well.
- Uncle Fester: If there is something wrong with me, I hope it's one of those rare tropical diseases. You know, Morticia, something, uh, glamorous.
- Morticia Addams: [looking through family photos] Oh, Gomez, you were a handsome little boy.
- Gomez Addams: Darling, that's our son, Pugsley.
- Morticia Addams: Oh? You're right! I thought he looked familiar.
- Morticia Addams: [having been the one to call a local physician for Uncle Fester] Darling, if this doctor proves inadequate, we'll send out west for a medicine man.
- Wednesday Addams: Are you the Doctor that's going to cure Uncle Fester?
- Dr. Milford: Well, I'm certainly going to try my best.
- Wednesday Addams: Where's your mask and spear?
- Dr. Milford: My what?
- Wednesday Addams: The last doctor we had came like that.
- Dr. Milford: Yes, well, um... Uh, this was the best I could do on a spur of the moment.
- Morticia Addams: [watching Dr. Milford examine Uncle Fester] He does have some unusual methods, doesn't he?
- Gomez Addams: Yes, indeed. I... I wish he'd shake his rattles or yell a few times as Dr. Mbogo does. Makes you feel like he's accomplishing something.
- Dr. Milford: [to Fester] I better take your temperature.
- Gomez Addams: I took his pulse just before you got here.
- Dr. Milford: And?
- Gomez Addams: Well, either my watch has stopped or he's been dead for twenty minutes.
- Gomez Addams: [waiting to get Dr. Mbogo on the phone] Tish, remind me to get myself a hollow log, save a lot of time by dialing direct.
- Wednesday Addams: I hope you can cure Uncle Fester, he can't even make the trains go.
- Dr. Milford: Trains?
- Wednesday Addams: We haven't had a good wreck all day...
- Dr. Milford: This is most unusual. Your tongue is bright blue!
- Uncle Fester: It's blue? It's supposed to be green! I am sick.