- Uncle Fester: [about his pen pal] She's coming here to visit me.
- Morticia Addams: Marvelous. We'll have the guest room unbolted.
- Gomez Addams: By George, Morticia, you've done it again. With a hairpiece, Fester will knock her dead.
- Morticia Addams: I don't think we need to go that far, darling.
- Gomez Addams: Kitty-Cat doesn't need a hairpiece. Never met a lion who did.
- Max: A lion? In this house?
- Morticia Addams: How else are the children going to learn anything about nature?
- Gomez Addams: I can't wait till pet day at school.
- Morticia Addams: [pointing to a portrait] Now, who is that?
- Uncle Fester: Well, that's General Ulysses S. Addams.
- Gomez Addams: And what did he do at Vicksburg?
- Uncle Fester: He surrendered!
- Gomez Addams: Not till they caught up with him!
- Gomez Addams: Where were we?
- Morticia Addams: On Madeline's five husbands.
- Gomez Addams: I checked into them. They all died.
- Morticia Addams: Mysteriously?
- Gomez Addams: Not at all. Suicide.
- Morticia Addams: You'll want to know some of Uncle Fester's favorite recipes.
- Madelyn Smith: French pastry?
- Morticia Addams: Oh, no, no. Simple things like, um, eye of newt.
- Madelyn Smith: Newt? Aren't they those little crawly things?
- Morticia Addams: Not after you cook them.
- Madelyn Smith: Get lost, you electrical tree-sitting newt!
- Uncle Fester: Did I do something wrong?
- Madelyn Smith: You got born, baldy!
- Uncle Fester: Hm. I told you it wouldn't work.
- Morticia Addams: It's just as well, Uncle Fester. A woman who doesn't know how to make a man happy certainly wouldn't make a good wife.
- Gomez Addams: Besides, her French was atrocious.
- Morticia Addams: We'd like something nice for our uncle Fester.
- Gomez Addams: Something sporty that'll take a few years off him.
- Morticia Addams: Perhaps twenty or thirty...
- Max: Madam, I am not a magician. I can only cover his head, he'll have to cream his own wrinkles.
- Morticia Addams: Darling, have you noticed how people take to Uncle Fester?
- Gomez Addams: Especially the ones who never met him.
- Uncle Fester: Hey, you know, you're right. I shouldn't let a girl frighten me.
- Gomez Addams: Not until you're married.
- Morticia Addams: Darling, I'm worried.
- Gomez Addams: About what?
- Morticia Addams: Uncle Fester and Madeline. I think those two are in love.
- Gomez Addams: With whom?
- Morticia Addams: With each other.
- Gomez Addams: Impossible.
- Morticia Addams: No, it's not at all impossible, darling. According to their horoscopes, it's perfect - she's a Capricorn and he's a bachelor.
- Uncle Fester: Madelyn, when you speak French, you make my blood boil. Speak some more! Hasta la vista... skoll... gesuntheid... anything!
- Madelyn Smith: Oh, I can't wait to become Mrs... what is your last name, anyway?
- Uncle Fester: You know, you're the first one that ever asked that.
- Madelyn Smith: Never mind, never mind, we'll leave it Smith. That way, we won't have to change the monograms on the towels.
- Uncle Fester: Oh, goody!