Alfred Hitchcock Presents (TV Series)

Man with a Problem (1958)

Alfred Hitchcock: Self - Host

Quotes 

• [introduction - Hitchcock is in a chair giving someone exercises] 

  Self - Host : One, two, three, four. One, two, three, four. Now raise your hands above your head. Higher. Higher. I wish to take this opportunity to welcome you latecomers to "Alfred Hitchcock Presents". Someone suggested I go to a slim & trim class and I decided to go even further and start one of my own. Here to encourage you beginners is an illustration of what hard work and determination can do.

  [pull back to reveal a skeleton next to Hitchcock, which resumes exercising] 

  Self - Host : One, two, three, four. This is Mr. Webster, who I'm certain is the envy of all of you. When Mr. Webster first came to me, he weighed nearly 300 pounds. He was sluggish and run-down and was the object of ridicule because of his obesity. Furthermore, his wife had threatened to walk out on him. Now all that has changed for the better. He has his old energy back, he's quite popular socially and his wife has left him. He also has a pleasant job marveling in the anatomy department of one of our largest universities and, in evenings, is ink man in a minstrel show. And now, ladies and gentlemen, a special low-calorie story. However, first, for those of you who aren't dieting, we have this bit of treacle.

• [afterword - Hitchcock is still in the chair beside Mr. Webster] 

  Self - Host : Unfortunately for Mr. Adams, revenge was not sweet, for he ultimately paid for his crime. While we were watching this sad saga, I was doing some thinking. This program might be improved by the use of our special spot reducer. I can think of three spots in particular. Here is one of them, after which Mr. Webster and I shall return.

  [commercial break, after which Hitchcock is alone] 

  Self - Host : Mr. Webster seems to have disappeared again. This is one aspect of his life that's a bit tiresome. You see, the dogs keep carrying him off and burying him. I've had to dig him up three times. And now it's time for me to disappear, until next week that is. I shall be back then with another story. Good night.