Alfred Hitchcock Presents (TV Series)

On the Nose (1958)

Alfred Hitchcock: Self - Host

Quotes 

• Alfred Hitchcock - Host : [reading the scale he's standing on]  Will one of you please get off?

• Alfred Hitchcock - Host : I've decided to give up being a jockey. The horses all went in and bought me an automobile.

• [introduction] 

  Alfred Hitchcock - Host : [Hitchcock is in his suit but is wearing a jockey's cap and holding a riding crop as he stands next to a coin-operated weighing machine]  Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. And good evening to the rest of you as well. We've ceased being particular. I'm training to become a jockey, and this is the mount they assigned me.

  [nods to the machine, steps on the scale, and puts a coin in; it starts to whirr, and Hitchcock turns back to the audience briefly] 

  Alfred Hitchcock - Host : This is an improvement. It usually takes three cents.

  [turns back to the machine, pulls out a ticket, and reads it] 

  Alfred Hitchcock - Host : "Will one of you please get off?"

  [throws ticket away] 

  Alfred Hitchcock - Host : I forgot to tell you, this machine is very impudent. It's all very discouraging. I don't know what to do.

  [the machine whirrs again and Hitchcock pulls out another ticket and reads it] 

  Alfred Hitchcock - Host : "Why don't you cut out that two o'clock feeding?"

  [throws ticket away and gets off the weighing machine] 

  Alfred Hitchcock - Host : I think I'd better get off these scales. Tonight's story touches on racing, and is called "On the Nose", but before we see it, a very worthy organisation would like to make this urgent appeal.

• [afterword] 

  Alfred Hitchcock - Host : [Hitchcock is leaning against the weighing machine, still wearing the jockey's cap and waving his riding crop]  So much for our story. I've decided to give up horseracing. The shirts are much too loud. Besides, I couldn't go on after the touching tribute I received. The horses chipped in and bought me an automobile. But the show must go on. You understand, of course, that all you have seen so far is merely a prelude to the extravaganza which follows.

  [commercial break] 

  Alfred Hitchcock - Host : I do wish we had longer commercials. They're so short that one must be very agile to get to the kitchen and back.

  [the machine starts to whirr and the word "TILT" flashes on the display; Hitchcock turns to address it] 

  Alfred Hitchcock - Host : I know, you said that.

  [turns back to the audience as the machine continues to whirr] 

  Alfred Hitchcock - Host : Next week, we shall be back with another story. But without the services of my rude friend.

  [points to machine with his riding crop] 

  Alfred Hitchcock - Host : Until then, good night.