- Alfred Hitchcock - Host: I've decided to give up being a jockey. The horses all went in and bought me an automobile.
- Mr. Cooney: How much do you have?
- Fran Holland: About a dollar or so.
- Mr. Cooney: Give it to me.
- [she hands over her purse]
- Mr. Cooney: One dollar...
- [picks the coins]
- Fran Holland: Hey you're leaving me without a cent!
- Mr. Cooney: Oh now I wouldn't do that. 15 cents, you can keep that for el and bus fare.
- Fran Holland: [paying her debt] A 20 dollar bill, and five dollars in change. I think you'll find, Mr. Cooney that there's about 15 cents extra in there, you can keep that for el and bus fare.
- [introduction]
- Alfred Hitchcock - Host: [Hitchcock is in his suit but is wearing a jockey's cap and holding a riding crop as he stands next to a coin-operated weighing machine] Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. And good evening to the rest of you as well. We've ceased being particular. I'm training to become a jockey, and this is the mount they assigned me.
- [nods to the machine, steps on the scale, and puts a coin in; it starts to whirr, and Hitchcock turns back to the audience briefly]
- Alfred Hitchcock - Host: This is an improvement. It usually takes three cents.
- [turns back to the machine, pulls out a ticket, and reads it]
- Alfred Hitchcock - Host: "Will one of you please get off?"
- [throws ticket away]
- Alfred Hitchcock - Host: I forgot to tell you, this machine is very impudent. It's all very discouraging. I don't know what to do.
- [the machine whirrs again and Hitchcock pulls out another ticket and reads it]
- Alfred Hitchcock - Host: "Why don't you cut out that two o'clock feeding?"
- [throws ticket away and gets off the weighing machine]
- Alfred Hitchcock - Host: I think I'd better get off these scales. Tonight's story touches on racing, and is called "On the Nose", but before we see it, a very worthy organisation would like to make this urgent appeal.
- [afterword]
- Alfred Hitchcock - Host: [Hitchcock is leaning against the weighing machine, still wearing the jockey's cap and waving his riding crop] So much for our story. I've decided to give up horseracing. The shirts are much too loud. Besides, I couldn't go on after the touching tribute I received. The horses chipped in and bought me an automobile. But the show must go on. You understand, of course, that all you have seen so far is merely a prelude to the extravaganza which follows.
- [commercial break]
- Alfred Hitchcock - Host: I do wish we had longer commercials. They're so short that one must be very agile to get to the kitchen and back.
- [the machine starts to whirr and the word "TILT" flashes on the display; Hitchcock turns to address it]
- Alfred Hitchcock - Host: I know, you said that.
- [turns back to the audience as the machine continues to whirr]
- Alfred Hitchcock - Host: Next week, we shall be back with another story. But without the services of my rude friend.
- [points to machine with his riding crop]
- Alfred Hitchcock - Host: Until then, good night.