- Archie: Edith, just go set the alarm clock for Nineteen Hundred and Ninety Seven.
- Mike Stivic: You're gonna sleep for 20 years?
- Archie: If it was good enough for Rip Van Heussen...
- Mike Stivic, Edith: Winkle.
- Archie: Winkle Van Heussen, then ipso fatso it's good enough for me.
- Archie Bunker: [Reading a comic book] Ha ha ha. Oh that Dennis. He really is a menace. Such a rotten kid I love him.
- Mr. Hanlon: Pills. We're living in a pill-oriented society. We try to dull our minds to find new thrills, to blot out the world of reality. Shameful.
- Archie Bunker: Yeah, well, I guess it is. What are you in the hospital for?
- Mr. Hanlon: I'm an alcoholic.
- Mr. Hanlon: You look too square to be a dope addict.
- Archie Bunker: Dope addict, geez I ain't that. I just took some medicine, that's all. You know, like how a doctor writes out a subscription there.
- Archie Bunker: The Lord can forgive me for being up to my butt in debts, but you Harry are going straight to hell for being up to your butt in boobs.
- Edith Bunker: Thank you for bringing over that portable TV.
- Mike Stivic: Is he watching it?
- Edith Bunker: Oh yeah, all day long. I just wish he'd turn it on.
- Mike Stivic: Don't worry about it, Ma, TV is better that way any way.
- Harry Snowden: [fighting with Archie] Forget it, I would rather work with topless here
- [gestures to chest]
- Harry Snowden: than topless up here!
- [points to head]