- Archie Bunker: All right, Meathead. Go up and get your tape recorder.
- Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: What are you going to do, start playing Attorney General?
- Archie Bunker: Don't argue with me, huh? Just get the tape recorder.
- Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: Are you going to tell this man you're taping his conversation?
- Archie Bunker: Does J. Edgar Hoover tell anybody?
- Gloria Bunker-Stivic: If you don't tell him you're taping him, you're depriving him of his civil rights.
- Archie Bunker: He ain't colored, he's Polish!
- Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: Archie, you're violating his rights under the First Amendment.
- Archie Bunker: Whose side are you on anyhow, huh? Look at me, I know I got a lot going against me, I'm white, I'm Protestant, I'm hard-working. Can't you find one lousy amendment to protect me?
- [Archie opens the door to the person whose car Edith dented, only to find he is a Catholic priest]
- Father Majeski: I'm John Majeski.
- Archie Bunker: You're kidding.
- Father Majeski: No, no, I'm Father John Majeski. May I come in?
- Archie Bunker: Yeah, yeah, yeah, come in, Father, sure. I'd like you to meet my family, there, that's my wife Edith, here, that's my daughter Gloria, here. And that's my son-in-law Mike Stivic over here.
- Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: Still want the tape recorder, Arch?
- Archie Bunker: Dummy up, you.
- Archie Bunker: I think we're in luck. This guy is a phony.
- Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: How do you know that?
- Archie Bunker: Don't you ever read the papers? About all them unflocked priests running around? This priest here ain't kosher, and he never was!
- Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: How do you know?
- Archie Bunker: Did you see the lousy-looking suit he's wearing there?
- Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: So what, Arch? Maybe it's the only suit he owns.
- Archie Bunker: Are you kidding? The Catholic Church owns half of the property in New York, including some of your finest clothing stores.
- Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: Archie, if you have your doubts, why don't you just ask him for his credentials?
- Archie Bunker: Come on, how the hell you gonna do that?
- Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: Simple. You just walk up to him, and say, "Father, can I see your cross?"
- Edith Bunker: What's wrong, Archie?
- Mike Stivic: It's just indigestion. It comes from eating his own words.
- Mike Stivic: How could a can of cling peaches do so much damage?
- Edith Bunker: [thoughtfully] Maybe it was the heavy syrup.
- Father Majeski: "Go from the presence of the foolish man when thou perceivest not in him the lips of knowledge."
- Archie Bunker: What does that mean?
- Father Majeski: It means don't waste your time arguing with an idiot!
- Archie Bunker: And as for that bill, Father... You can send it on to the Pope, Who has more money than God!