- [Archie is spreading smoke around the room]
- Mike Stivic: What are you doing?
- Archie Bunker: Did you ever hear of smoke damage?
- Mike Stivic: Did you ever hear of fraud?
- Archie Bunker: Did you ever hear of getting lucky?
- Mike Stivic: Did you ever hear of going to jail?
- Archie Bunker: Did you ever hear of shut up.
- Edith Bunker: [There's a fire in the house] And our family picture albums.
- Archie Bunker: If you find the album, Edith, throw it at the fire. If you really wanna risk your life for something, money. Top of the closet on the shelf there, is a my secret cigar box I never told you about with $108 in it.
- Edith Bunker: A hundred and nine.
- Archie Bunker: [after Mike thinks he saved the day by putting out the fire, unaware Archie was planning on letting everything burn to buy new furniture with the insurance money] Do you know how to swim?
- Mike Stivic: Yeah.
- Archie Bunker: Then why don't you go take a flying leap into the middle of Lake Polack?
- Archie Bunker: When the firemen come I want them looking at the fire in the can, not the fire in your Spanish eyes.