- Mrs. Slocombe: In fact, that's how I met my husband, during an air raid. The bombs were raining down, and I saw his face, lit by an incendiary. He threw me on my face and said, "Look out - here comes a big one!"
- Mr. Lucas: I suppose there wasn't much time for chatting in those days.
- Miss Brahms: Mrs Slocombe, that man's been hanging round our underwear counter for the past ten minutes.
- Mrs. Slocombe: Oh dear. Do you think he's one of those?
- Miss Brahms: One of what?
- Mrs. Slocombe: A Bon Voyeur. Y'know, they're the people who look but don't touch.
- Miss Brahms: Ooh, I've never been out with one of those.
- Mrs. Slocombe: Are you being served, sir?
- The Large Bra Customer: Uh, no. Do you have a male assistant on this counter?
- Mrs. Slocombe: No, sir. This is ladies underwear.
- The Large Bra Customer: I just thought you might have a man to help you.
- Mrs. Slocombe: No, sir. There isn't much demand for that sort of thing at Grace Brothers.
- The Large Bra Customer: Ah. Well, er... I want to purchase a bra.
- Miss Brahms: [surprised] What size do you take?
- Mrs. Slocombe: That'll do, Miss Brahms.
- The Large Bra Customer: Oh, no. It's for my fiancée. She's a young girl.
- Mrs. Slocombe: Oh, congratulations. Have you any idea what size the young lady takes?
- The Large Bra Customer: Well...
- Mrs. Slocombe: Miss Brahms, go and polish something.
- The Large Bra Customer: [hands Mrs Slocombe a brassiere] I managed to knock this off when she wasn't looking.
- Mrs. Slocombe: Oh, how clever of you
- [examining the garment]
- Mrs. Slocombe: Mmm, she's a healthy girl, isn't she. Miss Brahms, get out the 44s. The Kilimanjaro range.
- Mr. Ernest Grainger: Don't worry about the length of the fingers, Sir. You'll find they'll ride up with wear. And I'm sure you'll find they'll give every satisfaction. Don't you agree, Mr. Humphries?
- Mr. Humphries: Oh, yes, Mr. Grainger. It's very difficult to distinguish that plastic imitation leatherette from the real imitation leatherette.
- Mr. Ernest Grainger: And you'll find that the lining will keep the hands wonderfully warm. Won't it, Mr. Humphries?
- Mr. Humphries: Warm as toast, Mr. Grainger.
- Mr. Lucas: Yes, of course. That's because it's made from real imitation, simulated nylon fur fabric, you see?
- Mr. Ernest Grainger: Thank you, Mr. Lucas.
- Mr. Humphries: I wore a pair of those myself last season, and I had quite a lot of satisfaction. Didn't I, Mr. Grainger?
- Mr. Ernest Grainger: I believe you did, Mr. Humphries.
- Mr. Lucas: During the freeze up last winter, you know, when I couldn't fill my hot water bottle, I wore a pair of those on my feet and I got a lot of satisfaction. Didn't I, Mr. Humphries?
- Mr. Humphries: What you say Mr. Lucas, has a distinct ring of truth about it, despite the fact that you've only been with us, two months.
- The Leatherette Gloves: As a matter of fact, they're for the wife's brother. I don't like him very much.
- Mr. Humphries: Well, in that case, Sir. You couldn't have made a better choice.
- Captain Stephen Peacock: Oh, yes, it brought back memories of the army. The lads, the heat, the sunset and the endless shifting sands.
- Mr. Lucas: How long were you at Bognor Regis, Captain Peacock?
- Captain Stephen Peacock: Mr. Lucas, when you were at school, I was with some of the toughest soldiers in the world, chasing Rommel through the desert.
- Mr. Humphries: Some people have all the luck.
- The 38C Cup: [Comes out of the fitting room wearing nothing but her panties and the bra she was trying on] Have you got anything cut a bit lower?
- Mrs. Slocombe: [gasps in shock and covers her with a large hat] Would you mind remaining in the fitting room, madam? You see, we share this floor with gents ready-mades, and they've got eyes like hawks!
- Mr. Lucas: [about Mr. Grainger] Hello, Churchill's having one of his catnaps again. Somebody better wake him up. It's time to go to bed.
- Captain Stephen Peacock: Mr. Humphries?
- Mr. Humphries: Are you free, Mr. Grainger?
- Mr. Ernest Grainger: [waking up] Yes, yes, I'm free, Mr. Humphries.
- Mrs. Slocombe: I was blowing up my air bed and it takes puff after puff after puff.
- Mr. Humphries: Can I help anybody?
- Mrs. Slocombe: No, thank you, Mr. Humphries. I've managed.
- Captain Stephen Peacock: Mrs. Slocombe, what is Miss Brahms doing in that tent?
- Mrs. Slocombe: Knowing you, I'm surprised you haven't looked.
- Miss Brahms: He has and I was putting on me pajamas.
- Mrs. Slocombe: Captain Peacock!
- Captain Stephen Peacock: The point is, Mrs. Slocombe, that this large tent is for yourself and Miss Brahms.
- Mrs. Slocombe: There's going to be no one in my boudoir when I blow out the candle.
- Captain Stephen Peacock: I have no other accommodation. Where am I supposed to bivouac?
- Mrs. Slocombe: I don't care, whack. It's nothing to do with me.
- Captain Stephen Peacock: I was trying to get Miss Brahms and Mrs. Slocombe together in the same tent.
- Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: What, all three of you?
- Captain Stephen Peacock: No, Sir. I don't want to share with the ladies.
- Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: Ah good.
- Captain Stephen Peacock: I want to share with you.
- Mr. Lucas: Mr. Grainger, could I borrow your tape measure? I've got to take that gentleman's inside leg.
- Mr. Ernest Grainger: I'd prefer that you borrowed Mr. Humphries'.
- Mr. Lucas: Mr. Humphries, do me a favor. Take that man's inside leg.
- Mr. Humphries: Don't ask me. I've given it up for Lent.
- Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: [Everyone thinks of how they are going to provide sleeping accommodations in the store] Camping.
- Mr. Humphries: I beg your pardon?
- Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: Camping! Were you never in the Scouts, Mr. Humphries?
- Mr. Humphries: Well, not officially.
- Mrs. Slocombe: Oh, well, I suppose they're better than nothing.
- Mr. Mash: I think I'd prefer you in nothing.
- Mrs. Slocombe: Miss Brahms, our sleepwear has arrived.
- Mr. Mash: What size are you?
- Miss Brahms: Oh, not for me thanks. I never wear anything in bed. I don't like rough things next to my skin.
- Mr. Mash: You're lucky you ain't got me in there with ya!
- Mrs. Slocombe: You will wear pajamas tonight, Miss Brahms. Suppose there was a fire and you had no clothes on?
- Miss Brahms: Ooh, I'd be first to be rescued.