- Capt. Barney Miller: Sorry to disappoint you Scanlon,.
- Lt. Ben Scanlon: I beg your pardon
- Capt. Barney Miller: I am not volunteering to take this test
- Lt. Ben Scanlon: You must be joking
- Capt. Barney Miller: You seem to be missing the point Scanlon, I never joke with you. I take you very, very, seriously.
- Lt. Ben Scanlon: Hey, wait a minute, you do not want to take this test, it's all right with me. It will be duly noted of course, along with any kind of reason by way of explanation you may want to enter into the record
- Capt. Barney Miller: My reason...
- Lt. Ben Scanlon: Yeah
- Capt. Barney Miller: Failure of Sergeant Wojciehowicz. You see, I know he telling the truth, ergo the machine is inaccurate
- Mr. Sanders: That's not true
- Capt. Barney Miller: Sorry, Mr. Sanders, I know you put a lot of time and effort into this
- Mr. Sanders: Time and effort... what about body and soul, uh, knowledge, sweat... l what about love?
- Lt. Ben Scanlon: Don't you go weird on me, Sanders?
- Capt. Barney Miller: It doesn't work
- Mr. Sanders: It works !
- Lt. Ben Scanlon: Of course it works. It work's damn good .
- Capt. Barney Miller: Scanlon, your not here because of any concrete evidence you may have against me or my men. Your on a witch hunt.
- Lt. Ben Scanlon: Wait a minute. Your accusing me of a personal vendetta or something ?
- Capt. Barney Miller: You may not be fast, Scanlon, but you're accurate.
- Lt. Ben Scanlon: The only reason I am here is because of specific charges against this squad... I mean I am not here out of any personal distaste I may have for you or your men... You -- shut the hell up !
- Capt. Barney Miller: I apologize Inspector, there does to seem to be an argument for the accuracy of this machine
- Mr. Sanders: Of course there is.
- Lt. Ben Scanlon: Now, wait a minute. Now... What the hell are you trying to pull Miller
- Mr. Sanders: Nothing, it's just along with Sergeant Wojciehowicz's results that last assessment by this machine will also go into the record. It picks up on malice aforethought very discerningly
- Mr. Sanders: Oh absolutely
- Lt. Ben Scanlon: Now wait a minute
- Capt. Barney Miller: One thing goes into the record, everything goes into the record.
- Lt. Ben Scanlon: All right. It's all right with me.
- Mr. Sanders: Where were you born, sergeant?
- Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: It's hard to remember. It was long, long ago... in a galaxy far, far away... Hey, I'm only kiddin'.
- Capt. Barney Miller: Legally, this does not mean a thing
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: It doesn't
- Capt. Barney Miller: No, however, any results of any tests can be entered into any reports simply because you volunteered to take the test
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: But I didn't volunteer for anything
- Capt. Barney Miller: I told you, you did not have to take it
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: If I didn't take it, I'd look guilty
- Capt. Barney Miller: It's called volunteering
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Barn, if that goes on my record, that I wasn't telling the truth, you know that I'm a liar, that I can't be trusted. I had it as a law enforcement officer.
- Capt. Barney Miller: That's true
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: It is, I wasn't expecting you to agree with me.