Barney Miller (TV Series)

You Dirty Rat (1975)

Val Bisoglio: Det. Del Vecchio

Photos 

Quotes 

• Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz : Could have happened to anybody. Heh.

  Det. Del Vecchio : Well, we have a saying about that down in Narcotics.

  Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz : No kidding. Ha.What is it?

  Det. Del Vecchio : Gee whiz. What an unfortunate mistake.

• Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz : Uh, this is, uh, Detective Del Vecchio of, uh, Narcotics, who came over to collect the 20 kilos of marijuana, of which I explained to him there were only 18,on account of what happened with Fish this morning...

  Capt. Barney Miller : The point is that, uh... I think we've got a miscount.

  Det. Del Vecchio : I understand.Wanowski explained the whole thing to me.

  Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz : Wojciehowicz. Just... Just... Just like you spell it. Wo... Wojciehowicz.

  Capt. Barney Miller : Now, look... we thought... that is, we assumed that we had 20 kilos of grass. But... in reality, we only had 18. Right?

  Det. Phil Fish : Uh... I-I thought we had, uh... I-I mean, my 10...

  Det. Del Vecchio : Listen, fella, you don't understand. It doesn't matter to me. Ten, 15. Give me what you got. I'll take it back.

  Capt. Barney Miller : We got 18 kilos.

  Det. Del Vecchio : Beautiful. It's better than nothing, right?

  Capt. Barney Miller : Wojo, get the stuff. Look... Look, the point is... when you change the number on the report downtown, I... I want to make sure that all the circumstances are explained.

  Det. Del Vecchio : Oh, listen to me. The less you say about this, the better.

  Capt. Barney Miller : You don't get the point. I want it on the record.

  Det. Del Vecchio : Whatever you say.You know, you guys do quite a job.You lay your life on the line every day.

  Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale : Hey, man, come on. We get paid to do that.

  Det. Del Vecchio : Of course we do.We get paid. We get pensions.I mean, what, 2 kilos of grass? What does that come to?A lousy 2 grand.

  Wendell Frazier : I offered to give 'em 30 bucks a lid. They wouldn't take it.

  Capt. Barney Miller : Mind your own business!Wojo, fill out a receipt for 18 kilo and have, uh, Del Vecchio sign it.

  Det. Del Vecchio : I'll sign it blank and fill it out later.

  Capt. Barney Miller : That's not the way we do business around here!... That didn't sound right. That's not the way we operate around here. We do everything by the book, according to regulations, aboveboard.

  Det. Del Vecchio : I believe you.

  Capt. Barney Miller : You don't look like you do.

  Det. Del Vecchio : Oh, it's my face. I mean, this face doesn't look like it trusts anybody. When I proposed to my wife, hm,she thought I was joking. This face, it's a curse.

  Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz : Here you go. Sign here.

  Det. Del Vecchio : Oh, that's nice doing business with you, Captain.There's an old expression: "Live and get well."

  Capt. Barney Miller : That's, "Live and be well."

  Det. Del Vecchio : Whatever you say.

• Capt. Barney Miller : Where'd you get this?

  Becker the Exterminator : Uh, the officer told me to bring it up here. He said you guys were looking for it.

  Capt. Barney Miller : Where'd you find it?

  Becker the Exterminator : In the basement, behind the boiler. I was getting ready to set a trap, when I saw this great big pack rat down there.

  Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale : Pack rat. I should've guessed.

  Becker the Exterminator : He had it stacked against the wall, and he was eating off this one.

  Det. Del Vecchio : Oh, that explains it. Rat heisted the grass.

  Becker the Exterminator : You don't believe it?

  Det. Del Vecchio : It's my face.

  Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale : Hey, look, in my building, they come big. I mean, they... They come big enough to move the furniture.

  Becker the Exterminator : That's right. This one stood up on his hind legs and gritted his teeth at me.

  Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz : Yeah, I know that one. Heh.

  Becker the Exterminator : Well, I picked up a shovel and I clobbered him,and he just laid therewith a smile on his face.

  Capt. Barney Miller : Okay, Del Vecchio. Satisfied?

  Det. Del Vecchio : Absolutely.When I get downtown, I'll explain it to them exactly the way it happened. Let me see now. You guys had a rat. It stole the grass. The rat ate the grass. The rat didn't like the grass,so the rat sent it back. See you, guys.

  Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz : Think he believes it?

  Capt. Barney Miller : Would you?