- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Hey Fish, what happens when you get Bubonic Plague ?
- Det. Phil Fish: Well, your tongue swells up you can't talk, and you can't eat
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: God, hope I don't have it ?
- Det. Phil Fish: With some people it's an improvement
- Det. Ron Harris: Hi, there. Hi, Barney.
- Capt. Barney Miller: You finished at court?
- Det. Ron Harris: Uh, yeah. The, uh, Frazier kid was arraigned yesterday. He'll probably get a year suspended, two years' probation. Oh. Uh, Wojo's assigned to the DA's office today. And Chano and Yemana are still down at, uh, Narcotics giving affidavits.
- Capt. Barney Miller: I didn't think Del Vecchio would be too convincing.
- Det. Ron Harris: Hey, I mean, as long as we're sure, what's the difference?
- Wendell Frazier: Hey, man. I'll give you 30 bucks a lid.
- Det. Phil Fish: Thirty bucks? Uh... Oh, let me see.Thirty lids to a kilo.That's, um... uh-huh... 20 kilos.That's almost $18,000. You got that much on you?
- Wendell Frazier: Oh, man, I'm good for it.
- Det. Phil Fish: Come on, Frazier.
- Wendell Frazier: We're negosh... Hey, we're negotiating.
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Could have happened to anybody. Heh.
- Det. Del Vecchio: Well, we have a saying about that down in Narcotics.
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: No kidding. Ha.What is it?
- Det. Del Vecchio: Gee whiz. What an unfortunate mistake.
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Uh, this is, uh, Detective Del Vecchio of, uh, Narcotics, who came over to collect the 20 kilos of marijuana, of which I explained to him there were only 18,on account of what happened with Fish this morning...
- Capt. Barney Miller: The point is that, uh... I think we've got a miscount.
- Det. Del Vecchio: I understand.Wanowski explained the whole thing to me.
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Wojciehowicz. Just... Just... Just like you spell it. Wo... Wojciehowicz.
- Capt. Barney Miller: Now, look... we thought... that is, we assumed that we had 20 kilos of grass. But... in reality, we only had 18. Right?
- Det. Phil Fish: Uh... I-I thought we had, uh... I-I mean, my 10...
- Det. Del Vecchio: Listen, fella, you don't understand. It doesn't matter to me. Ten, 15. Give me what you got. I'll take it back.
- Capt. Barney Miller: We got 18 kilos.
- Det. Del Vecchio: Beautiful. It's better than nothing, right?
- Capt. Barney Miller: Wojo, get the stuff. Look... Look, the point is... when you change the number on the report downtown, I... I want to make sure that all the circumstances are explained.
- Det. Del Vecchio: Oh, listen to me. The less you say about this, the better.
- Capt. Barney Miller: You don't get the point. I want it on the record.
- Det. Del Vecchio: Whatever you say.You know, you guys do quite a job.You lay your life on the line every day.
- Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: Hey, man, come on. We get paid to do that.
- Det. Del Vecchio: Of course we do.We get paid. We get pensions.I mean, what, 2 kilos of grass? What does that come to?A lousy 2 grand.
- Wendell Frazier: I offered to give 'em 30 bucks a lid. They wouldn't take it.
- Capt. Barney Miller: Mind your own business!Wojo, fill out a receipt for 18 kilo and have, uh, Del Vecchio sign it.
- Det. Del Vecchio: I'll sign it blank and fill it out later.
- Capt. Barney Miller: That's not the way we do business around here!... That didn't sound right. That's not the way we operate around here. We do everything by the book, according to regulations, aboveboard.
- Det. Del Vecchio: I believe you.
- Capt. Barney Miller: You don't look like you do.
- Det. Del Vecchio: Oh, it's my face. I mean, this face doesn't look like it trusts anybody. When I proposed to my wife, hm,she thought I was joking. This face, it's a curse.
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Here you go. Sign here.
- Det. Del Vecchio: Oh, that's nice doing business with you, Captain.There's an old expression: "Live and get well."
- Capt. Barney Miller: That's, "Live and be well."
- Det. Del Vecchio: Whatever you say.
- Capt. Barney Miller: Where'd you get this?
- Becker the Exterminator: Uh, the officer told me to bring it up here. He said you guys were looking for it.
- Capt. Barney Miller: Where'd you find it?
- Becker the Exterminator: In the basement, behind the boiler. I was getting ready to set a trap, when I saw this great big pack rat down there.
- Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: Pack rat. I should've guessed.
- Becker the Exterminator: He had it stacked against the wall, and he was eating off this one.
- Det. Del Vecchio: Oh, that explains it. Rat heisted the grass.
- Becker the Exterminator: You don't believe it?
- Det. Del Vecchio: It's my face.
- Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: Hey, look, in my building, they come big. I mean, they... They come big enough to move the furniture.
- Becker the Exterminator: That's right. This one stood up on his hind legs and gritted his teeth at me.
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Yeah, I know that one. Heh.
- Becker the Exterminator: Well, I picked up a shovel and I clobbered him,and he just laid therewith a smile on his face.
- Capt. Barney Miller: Okay, Del Vecchio. Satisfied?
- Det. Del Vecchio: Absolutely.When I get downtown, I'll explain it to them exactly the way it happened. Let me see now. You guys had a rat. It stole the grass. The rat ate the grass. The rat didn't like the grass,so the rat sent it back. See you, guys.
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Think he believes it?
- Capt. Barney Miller: Would you?