- What a Way to Go Go Club Doorman: [outside the What A Way To Go Go discoteque] Sorry Batman, I'm afraid the boy is under age.
- Batman: It's the law.
- [dramatic pause]
- Batman: Very odd. This could be a plot to seperate us.
- The Riddler: [after unsuccessfully trying to destroy the Batmobile] Curses! It's got more lives than a cat!
- Commissioner Gordon: [reading The Riddler's note aloud] Why is an orange like a bell? You know who this means, don't you?
- Chief O'Hara: The Riddler.
- Commissioner Gordon: Right, Chief O'Hara, the Riddler. That infernal prince of puzzlers who's outwitted us a dozen times.
- Batman: "Why is an orange like a bell?"
- Robin: Answer - because they both must be "peeled."
- Batman: Right - you peel an orange and you peal a bell! Get it?
- Chief O'Hara: What idiots we are! Now, why couldn't we have worked that out?
- Commissioner Gordon: But what does it mean, though?
- Batman: Right, commissioner. There's the problem. We all know this quizzical criminal operates. He deliberately leaves clues to confound us.
- Robin: Clues which may or may not lead to the real crime he's planning.
- Inspector Basch: The real crime?
- Batman: Precisely, Inspector Basch. The Riddler contrives his plots like artichokes. You have to strip off the spiny leaves to reach the heart.
- Robin: [solving the riddle] There were three men in a boat with four cigarettes and no matches. How did they manage to smoke? They threw one cigarette overboard and make the boat a cigarette lighter!
- Batman: Out riddled!
- The Riddler: I thought you might be, Batman. That's why I brought witnesses with camera's. Hoho! What is it that no man wants to have yet no man wants to lose?
- Robin: A lawsuit!
- The Riddler: Correct, Boy Wonder!
- Bruce Wayne: Yes, commissioner?
- Commissioner Gordon: You'll never guess who's on the loose. Your old archenemy. The Riddler.
- Bruce Wayne: Good heavens!
- Dick Grayson: Him again!
- Commissioner Gordon: Will you come to headquarters right away?
- Bruce Wayne: It'll be a pleasure, Commissioner Gordon.
- [hangs up Batphone after which he and Dick head for the Batpoles without another word]
- Bruce Wayne: My resources are behind you... in full.
- Mr. Harris: You're a real champion, Mr. Wayne.
- Female visitor: Indeed you are.
- Bruce Wayne: Don't mention it, Mr. Harris. Perhaps if they're had been anti-crime centers of the type you now propose when my own parents were murdered by dastardly criminals...
- Bruce Wayne: [Alfred clears his throat] Yes, Alfred?
- Alfred Pennyworth: [Whispers] The batphone sir.
- Bruce Wayne: Forgive me. I'm just reminded I promised to take my young ward Dick Grayson fishing. If you'll excuse me.
- Mr. Harris: It will be a pleasure working with you, sir.
- Female visitor: It's wonderful knowing you're behind us.
- Bruce Wayne: Oh there you are, Dick. Feel like a bit of... fishing?
- Dick Grayson: Holy Barracuda! You mean...
- [Dick notices Aunt Harriet behind him]
- Dick Grayson: Sure, Bruce. Why not? Sounds swell. Doesn't it Aunt Harriet?
- Commissioner Gordon: I don't know who he is behind that mask of his, but I do know when we need him... and we need him now!
- Batman: [answers the Batphone] Batman speaking.
- The Riddler: [maniacal laughter] This is a recording, before you trip over your cape, Batman, riddle me this - There are three men in a boat with four cigarettes but no matches. How do they manage to smoke? Hmm?
- [first lines]
- Narrator: You think Gotham City is a peaceful city? Ho ho ho, put your gum under your seats, hold your breath, and get ready to cheer Batman and hiss his diabolical enemies. Hissable enemy number one is now about to strike.
- The Newscaster: According to legal experts, the $1-million lawsuit filed this morning against Batman for assault, slander, and false arrest appears to have every chance of success. Causing even dismay in law-enforcement circles is the fact that Batman will undoubtedly have to reveal his true identity in court. Once unmasked, no longer will the Caped Crusader and his youthful aide be able to combat crime in Gotham City.
- Dick Grayson: Find anything?
- Bruce Wayne: Looks black as pitch, Dick. I've been through all mu father's old law books. I don't see we have a leg to stand on.
- Alfred Pennyworth: A million dollars.
- Bruce Wayne: It's not the money, Alfred. It's the idea of it. My identity revealed, my value as a secret crime-fighter ended, everything I trained myself for since my parents were murdered, in the ashcan. Gone. Up the shoot.
- Alfred Pennyworth: Well, sir, I do hope something can be worked out. If poor Mrs. Cooper were to find out what Master Dick has been doing on these supposed fishing trips of yours.