- [as Batman views pictures of Harley and Ivy's mug shots, then various photos of them in the middle of heists]
- Alfred Pennyworth: Choosing a weekend date, sir?
- [a trio of Frat boys pull up alongside Harley and Ivy, and make some lewd comments]
- Poison Ivy: Now boys, didn't your mommies teach you that's not the way to get a lady's attention?
- Frat Boy: [slaps his butt] And what are you gonna do, spank me?
- Harley Quinn: That's right, pigs!
- [raises a bazooka]
- Harley Quinn: And here's the paddle!
- [yelling, the boys leap out of their car and run just before Harley blows it to pieces]
- Harley Quinn: I remember I used to go driving like this with Mr. J...
- Poison Ivy: [mockingly] "Mr. J., Mr. J.!" Oh, change the record, Harl!
- Poison Ivy: No man can take us prisoner!
- [a gunshot blows the tire of their car, which skids to a stop. Montoya approaches and levels a shotgun]
- Officer Renée Montoya: All right, ladies... raise 'em.
- [Batman takes cover in Poison Ivy's hideout, in the middle of a toxic waste dump. Joker opens fire with a tommy gun, laughing maniacally]
- Batman: Stop shooting, you lunatic! We're sitting on a powder keg!
- [Joker keeps shooting, heedless, until a chemical drum ignites and sets off an enormous explosion, rocking the whole dump and whooshing toward everyone]
- The Joker: Whoops... Dopey me.
- [last lines; everyone is back in Arkham]
- The Joker: That's it. The next time I start a gang, no women. YOU HEAR ME? NO WOMEN!
- [outside, Harley and Ivy are tending the vegetable patch]
- Harley Quinn: I think we can still work it out, don't you?
- [Ivy flings a handful of soil in her face]
- [Batman is lashed to a wooden table]
- Poison Ivy: Admit it, darling, you didn't think two women were capable of bringing you down.
- Batman: Man or woman, a sick mind is capable of anything.
- Poison Ivy: A very enlightened statement, Batman. We'll carve it on your headstone.
- Harley Quinn: [pushes him into the toxic water] Aloha, sucker!
- The Joker: HARLEY! This place is going to blinking blue blazes. Anybody seen my socks? Harley!
- [his hyenas growl at him]
- The Joker: They snapped at me! What's going on, Roc? The place is a mess, no one's fed the hyenas, and I can't find my socks. Where's Harley?
- Rocco: Y-Y-You canned her, boss, remember?
- The Joker: So? She's always come back before.
- Rocco: Gee, uh, I-I guess you ain't seen the papers, then.
- The Joker: Papers? What are you babbling about?
- [seeing an article about Harley and Poison Ivy's crime spree]
- The Joker: AAAAAHHHHHHH!
- [as Harley prepares to steal the "Harlequin Diamond"]
- Harley Quinn: Ooh-ooh, Mr. J is gonna plotz when he sees this...! No. No, I'm keeping this one just for myself... maybe.
- Dr. Harleen Quinzel: Mr. J?
- The Joker: Harley?
- Dr. Harleen Quinzel: Hi, puddin'. You still angry with me?
- The Joker: Honey, baby, pumpkin pie... you know I can't hold a grudge. Where are you?
- Dr. Harleen Quinzel: With a friend. Look, I can't talk, but I wanted to let you know I'm okay.
- [hearing a door close]
- Dr. Harleen Quinzel: Oops. Gotta go. I'll talk to you soon.
- The Joker: [having been tracing the call] Sooner than you think.
- Harley Quinn: [after the Joker throws her out] I'll show you. You'll be sorry! I'll pull a big heist, and I'll be laughing at you. Ha ha! You hear? Laughing!
- [taking just a few steps]
- Harley Quinn: I miss him already.
- Poison Ivy: I hope you realize we're on a toxic waste dump? I'd say you've got about ten minutes to clear out before the fumes do you in.
- Rocco: [gagging and spitting out his food] She's right, boss. I'm feeling kind of... sick.
- The Joker: Hold it in, Rocco! I'm only staying long enough to collect what's mine.
- The Joker: My, haven't you been the busy little bees?
- Harley Quinn: Puddin'?
- The Joker: You were out, so we just made ourselves at home. Hope you don't mind.
- Harley Quinn: You found me!
- Poison Ivy: So much for self-esteem.
- The Joker: Hoo! Ha ha ha ha! Look at the goodies.
- Poison Ivy: That's ours, you louse!
- The Joker: Oh, Pammy, I wouldn't leave you empty-handed. Since you like flowers so much...
- Harley Quinn: Oh, puddin', no!
- The Joker: [pushing her away] You can have mine!
- [spraying the flower on his lapel into her face]
- Harley Quinn: Oh! Red!
- Poison Ivy: [coughing, then laughing] It doesn't work on me.
- Batman: This is one sister act that's hard to follow, Alfred. Only clue I have is this soil analysis from their tire tracks. Hmm. Contains the same compounds you'd find in a toxic waste dump.
- Alfred Pennyworth: [offering a cowl with an air filter over the mouth] Then may I suggest an accessory this evening?
- The Joker: Quick! Turn here!
- Harley Quinn: But, boss, that's...
- The Joker: I said turn!
- Harley Quinn: Yes, sir.
- The Joker: WHOA-OAAHHH! Why didn't you tell me someone put a hill there?
- Harley Quinn: I tried, but...
- The Joker: Never mind. Just hand me the gun.
- [seeing the Batmobile catching up]
- The Joker: Come on! Come on!
- Harley Quinn: [handing him a large revolver] Here.
- The Joker: [taking aim] Hey, Batsy! This is where I leave you flat.
- [firing it, a rod pops out and a "Bang!" flag unfurls]
- The Joker: Huh? You nincompoop!
- Harley Quinn: [ducking as he throws it at her] Ahh! You didn't say which gun.
- The Joker: Ahh! The wind in my hair and the Batman at my heels. Ha! It's the kind of night that makes you glad to be alive.
- The Joker: No, we didn't get the diamond. The Dork Knight showed up before we even got to the museum. I had a great shot at him, too, except my dear little Harley Quinn handed me the wrong gun!
- Harley Quinn: But, puddin', it was kind of funny watching you shoot at him with the "bang" flag.
- The Joker: Funny? You presume to tell me what I should think is funny? In fact, when have you ever contributed a worthwhile idea to this gang?
- Harley Quinn: Well, I... I did get us away from Batman.
- The Joker: Oh, huzzah! The kid gets lucky, and she wants a medal. Maybe I should just let you run the gang. Maybe you're a better crook than the rest of put together.
- Harley Quinn: Maybe.
- [cowering at his glare]
- Harley Quinn: Not.
- Harley Quinn: [robbing the same museum as Poison Ivy] Nice work, butterfingers. Why didn't you just turn on the Bat-Signal while you were at it?
- Poison Ivy: I wasn't trying to get caught.
- Harley Quinn: Could have fooled me.
- Harley Quinn: You'd think after living with Mr. J, I'd be used to a little pain.
- Poison Ivy: Why do you put up with that clown?
- Harley Quinn: Don't get me wrong. My puddin's a little rough sometimes, but he loves me, really.
- Poison Ivy: Sure he does. You're just one big forgiving doormat, aren't you?
- Harley Quinn: I am not a doormat. Am I?
- Poison Ivy: If you had a middle name, it would be "Welcome".