- Regina 'Reggie' Kostas: [to Fred Becker - Dick Van Dyke] You know, I once read about a tribe in New Guinea. First thing they do every morning is smack themselves in the head with a large piece of bamboo. They figure after that, their day just has to get better. I don't have to do that, I have Becker.
- Jake Malinak: [Referring to Becker's father's surprise visit] You must be thrilled, John! How long has it been?
- Dr. John Becker: Oh, he shows up about every seven years, like locusts.
- Walter: I'm rewriting the Bible. Ten commandments weren't enough, so I added some more. I feel very strongly about No. 26: Thou shalt not put pineapple on pizza.
- Dr. John Becker: Let's see what else you've got: no fishnet shirts on men, no clothes on dogs... no accordion music...?
- Walter: EVER!