- Darrin Stephens: This is the gear selector. P is for Park. R, Reverse. N, Neutral. D, Drive. L, Low. You try it?
- Samantha Stephens: P for Park. R for Reverse. N, Neutral. D, Drive. L for Low.
- Darrin Stephens: Now we'll start with neutral...
- Samantha Stephens: Did I get them all right?
- Darrin Stephens: Yes.
- Samantha Stephens: I bet you thought I wouldn't, because I'm so nervous.
- Darrin Stephens: May I continue? Neutral is...
- Samantha Stephens: Please do, I'm sorry I interrupted.
- Darrin Stephens: Neutral is...
- Samantha Stephens: [interrupts] It won't happen again.
- Darrin Stephens: Neutral is where you place the lever when you wanna start the car.
- Samantha Stephens: How come it isn't called S or SC?
- Darrin Stephens: I don't know. Next, you go to drive. Drive is where you put the lever when you wanna go forward.
- Samantha Stephens: In that case, why don't they call it F?
- Darrin Stephens: Because they don't.
- Samantha Stephens: Darrin, that's no answer. If you want me to understand, you have to explain.
- Darrin Stephens: Excuse me. I don't know why they don't call it F.
- Samantha Stephens: That's better.
- Darrin Stephens: Low is infrequently used, so we'll table that for later discussion. We'll go directly to Reverse. Can you guess what Reverse is for?
- Samantha Stephens: For reversing lanes in traffic.
- Darrin Stephens: Wrong. For going backward.
- Samantha Stephens: Backward should be B. These initials are illogical.
- Darrin Stephens: Having mastered the gear positions, here's the ignition key. They call it ignition, because it ignites the engine.
- Samantha Stephens: The engine ignites? Isn't that dangerous?
- Darrin Stephens: [Darrin calls Samantha from work] Hello, sweetheart, this is your husband, D.
- Samantha Stephens: D for Dearest, or D for Darling?
- Darrin Stephens: D for Dumb.
- Samantha Stephens: My name is Samantha Stephens. Aren't you gonna tell me yours?
- Harold Harold: Harold Harold here.
- Samantha Stephens: Hello, hello there.
- Samantha Stephens: Would you like to join me for a cup of coffee?
- Harold Harold: Do you think we can both fit?
- Samantha Stephens: How do you take it?
- Harold Harold: Black. One third of a cup.
- Samantha Stephens: Why only a third?
- Harold Harold: To protect the carpet.
- Samantha Stephens: [Harold shakes the coffee cup as Samantha gives it to him] I see what you mean.
- Samantha Stephens: Mr. Harold. How long have you been an instructor?
- Harold Harold: Three gruelling weeks.
- Samantha Stephens: What did you do before that?
- Harold Harold: Well, last month I was a cashier in a pizza parlour. And the month before, I was an apprentice plumber. And the month before that, I was a cheap shoe salesman.
- Samantha Stephens: Four jobs in four months?
- Harold Harold: I have four brothers-in-law who take turns hiring and firing me. It's a vicious circle. And that's why I tend to be insecure.
- Samantha Stephens: [Samantha is being taught how to drive by the pantophobic Harold Harold] How am I doing?
- Harold Harold: How to phrase it tactfully - You are rotten!
- Television Announcer: It's Incredible Here Fans. The Playing Field Here In Cincinnati Is In Danger Of Being Washed Away By A Flash Flood.
- [Samantha stops picking at the popcorn bowl Stares Intently at the TV realizing she forgot to stop the down pouring rain she caused]
- Samantha Stephens: After all, why should I learn how to drive, when I already know how to fly?
- Darrin Stephens: We've already been through all this. You should learn to drive because the way you fly is for the birds.
- Samantha Stephens: Look at it this way: I get where I wanna go faster, I save money on gas and oil and I always find a parking space.