Bewitched (TV Series)
It Shouldn't Happen to a Dog (1964)
Elizabeth Montgomery: Samantha Stephens
Quotes
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Samantha : Mr. Barker, I'm warning you!
[she turns Mr. Barker into a dog]
Darrin Stephens : [entering] What are you doing out here all alone?
Samantha : [holding the dog] Oh, I'm not alone.
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Darrin Stephens : [pointing to Mr. Barker, who is now a dog] That's my client?
Samantha : You don't even wanna hear what happened?
Darrin Stephens : I had the account all wrapped up. What am I supposed to do now? Bring Larry Tate a contract with Barker's paw print on it?
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1st Policeman : What's your name?
Samantha : Stephens. Mrs. Darrin Stephens.
1st Policeman : How come you're in your robe, Mrs. Stephens?
Samantha : Robe? Oh, yes. Well, you see, I was taking my dog for a walk, and... I wish you'd let me find him. Something terrible is going to happen, I just know it.
1st Policeman : Now, don't get excited, Mrs. Stephens.
Samantha : I have to find that dog. My husband's very fond of that animal.
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[last lines]
Darrin Stephens : Samantha!
Samantha : I know, I know. No 'hocus pocus'. So sue me, it was worth it.
-
[first lines]
Endora : Did I startle you, darling? Try a touch of bay leaf from India.
Samantha : Have you ever thought of calling before you drop in, like other people?
Endora : I'm not like other people, Samantha. Neither are you. So will you please kindly tell me why you are wearing yourself out?
Samantha : Because Mr. McMann and Mr. Tate thought it'd be nice to have Mr. Barker here for dinner tonight.
Endora : Well, why don't they have him to dinner?
Samantha : Because he's Darrin's account. Now, if you'll excuse me, I am very busy.
Endora : There's an easier way to do that, you know.
Samantha : I promised I wouldn't.
Endora : Oh, please, you're breaking my heart.
Samantha : Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go and change.
Endora : Oh, well, go right ahead.
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Darrin Stephens : Will he remember any of this?
Samantha : No.
Darrin Stephens : Good. Change him back.
-
Samantha : My dog, he'll be killed.
1st Policeman : We'll get him. Just don't get excited.
Samantha : Yes, but you don't understand. You see...
1st Policeman : Do you live around here?
Samantha : Yes.
-
Rex Barker : Hi.
Darrin Stephens : What are you doing here?
Rex Barker : Well I just dropped by to tell you I signed with your outfit, provided you handle the account.
Darrin Stephens : You expect me to work with you after what happened?
Rex Barker : Oh, forget it. I've got a problem. Some of my best friends have knocked me cold. Hey, listen, if you and your wife are ever in Columbus, Ohio, I... Oh, forget it.
Darrin Stephens : Sam! They want me back on the job.
Samantha : Well, I'm not surprised.
Darrin Stephens : You didn't have anything to do with this, did you?
Samantha : Of course not, everybody wants you because you're the best there is. Now how about taking me out to celebrate?
Darrin Stephens : Goo idea. I'll get my hat.
Samantha : Uh-uh. Don't you dare move.
-
Darrin Stephens : Everybody's raving about the dinner and you, especially Barker. Meeting you might be the thing that gets us his account.
Samantha : You're not serious?
Darrin Stephens : Well, I certainly am. Barker's very impressed with you. You married me. Therefore it follows, I must be something very special. Presto, he hands over the account.
-
Samantha : Mr. Barker, I'm warning you. If you don't get control of yourself, I'm going to do something drastic.
Rex Barker : Promise?
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Darrin Stephens : You actually turned a human being into a dog.
Samantha : Yes.
Darrin Stephens : And that dog is Rex Barker?
Samantha : Yes.
Darrin Stephens : I can't believe it.
Samantha : Well, I'm sorry, dear, but I had to do it. You see, he was drunk.
Darrin Stephens : Hrmph? Of course, that explains everything. A drunken dog is better than a drunken man.
Samantha : He trapped me in the garden and was making advances. I had to do something.
Darrin Stephens : You call that something?
-
Samantha : Barker practically attacked me. But that doesn't seem to matter as long as you get him to sign with your agency.
Darrin Stephens : What do you mean, he attacked you?
Samantha : He was very aggressive.
Darrin Stephens : You're exaggerating.
Samantha : I am not!
Darrin Stephens : Well, so maybe he had a few too many. Any common, ordinary wife would know how to handle it. But not you. No, you had to turn him into an animal!
Samantha : Well, he behaved like an animal. He grabbed me and tried to bite me.
Darrin Stephens : No wonder. Look at the way you're dressed.
Samantha : I wasn't dressed like this.
Darrin Stephens : You are now. Put something on. You're driving him crazy.
Samantha : You're so concerned about him. What about me?
Darrin Stephens : Well, what about you? You're just a wife. He's a... livelihood.
Samantha : And that's all you care about?
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Larry Tate : What are you doing?
Darrin Stephens : Protecting my wife.
Larry Tate : He was only with her for a minute. What could he have done?
Darrin Stephens : He was nibbling at her neck.
Larry Tate : You didn't have to hit him.
Darrin Stephens : What do you expect me to do?
Larry Tate : Well, use a little diplomacy.
Darrin Stephens : When somebody insults my wife, that's as diplomatic as I get. You all right, sweetheart?
Samantha : Oh, I'm fine. But you didn't have to do that.
Darrin Stephens : I should've done that last night.
Samantha : Oh, you wouldn't hit a little dog.
-
Samantha : How are you feeling, Mr. Barker?
Rex Barker : Miserable, thanks. But this'll straighten me out. A little hair of the dog that bit me. Know what I mean?
