Black Books (TV Series)

Moo-Ma and Moo-Pa (2004)

Dylan Moran: Bernard Black

Photos 

Quotes 

• Bernard : He looks like a horse in a man costume!

• Fran Katzenjammer : You are being very mean to Manny.

  Bernard : I can't help it. He looks like a horse in a man costume.

  Fran Katzenjammer : It's just his mum and dad. Why can't he have his mum and dad for the weekend?

  Bernard : That's easy for you to say. You'll be off on the barge trying to find your booty in a haze of gang and ting.

  Fran Katzenjammer : How did you know it was on a barge?

  Bernard : I... I... didn't. I... I don't, I don't.

  Fran Katzenjammer : You nasty man, you've been screening his calls.

  Bernard : Well, he doesn't need friends. They're bad for him. They make him all giddy.

• Bernard : It's not my problem. It is my house though, and I'm not having it infected with the kind of specimens capable of producing you.

• Bernard : Just think. You'll get a week with them all to yourself.

  Manny : Oh what have I done...

• Bernard : If I hear any nonagenarian hanky-panky I'm calling the police.

• Moo-Pa : So, Bernard, the shop's still called "Black Books", is it?

  Bernard : Yeah. I was going to call it "World of Tights", but you know how stupid people are, you have to spell everything out!

• Manny : Aww, no-one ever rings me these days.

  Bernard : Yes, it's a mystery isn't it. What with you owning your own sandals and having an egg in your beard.

• Bernard : Would you kindly explain this all before I make you a Moo-CORPSE!

• Bernard : I'm about to stop playing 'Who Shall I Kill First' in my head and just go with what feels natural. I think I'll start with me, then it's you.

• Fran Katzenjammer : [Throws a breadstick at a waiter]  Wine please.

  Bernard : Lots of wine.

  Fran Katzenjammer : Expensive wine!

  Bernard : Wine from the bottom of the list!

  Fran Katzenjammer : Wine!

  Bernard : WINE!