- Kate's Father: I'm sad because, my darling, our poverty has reached such extremes that I can no longer afford to keep us and must look to my own dear tiny darling to sustain me in my frail dotage.
- Kate: But father surely...
- Kate's Father: Yes, Kate. I want you to become a prostitute.
- Kate: Never! Father.
- Kate's Father: Do you defy me?
- Kate: Indeed I do for tis better to die poor than to live in shame and ignominy.
- Kate's Father: No it isn't.
- Kate: I'm young and strong, clever, my nose is pretty. I shall find another way to earn a living.
- Kate's Father: Oh please go on the game. It's a steady job and you'd be working from home.
- Lord Percy Percy: I'd like to meet the Spaniard who can make his way past me.
- Lord Edmund Blackadder: Well, go to Spain; there are millions of them
- Lord Flasheart: Nursie. I like it firm and fruity. Am I pleased to see you or did I just put a canoe in my pocket? Down, boy, down.
- Lord Flashheart: She's got a tongue like an electric eel, and she likes the taste of a man's tonsils.
- Blackadder: I seek information about a Wisewoman.
- Young Crone: Ah, the Wisewoman... the Wisewoman.
- Blackadder: Yes, the Wisewoman.
- Young Crone: Two things, my lord, must thee know of the Wisewoman. First, she is... a woman. And second, she is...
- Blackadder: Wise?
- Young Crone: You do know her then?
- Blackadder: No, just a wild stab in the dark which is, incidentally, what you'll be getting if you don't start being a bit more helpful. Do you know where she lives?
- Young Crone: Of course.
- Blackadder: Where?
- Young Crone: Here. Do you have an appointment?
- Blackadder: No.
- Young Crone: Well, you can go in anyway.
- Blackadder: Thank you young crone. Here is a purse of moneys... which I'm not going to give to you.
- Nursie: I had three sisters, and they were named Donald, Eric and Basil.
- Queen Elizabeth I: Then why's your name Nursie?
- Nursie: That ain't my real name.
- Queen Elizabeth I: Isn't it?
- Nursie: No.
- Queen Elizabeth I: What's your real name?
- Nursie: Bernard.
- Doctor Leech: It isn't every day a man wakes up to discover he's a screaming bender with no more right to live on God's clean Earth than a weasel. Ashamed of yourself?
- Blackadder: Not really, no.
- Doctor Leech: Bloody Hell. I would be. Still, why should I complain. Just leaves more rampant totty for us real men, eh?
- Blackadder: Look, am I paying for this abuse or is it extra?
- Doctor Leech: No, no, it's all part of the service.
- Lord Edmund Blackadder: Aah, and who is Jane?
- Lord Percy Percy: I'm sworn to secrecy. Torture me, kill me, you shall never know.
- [Blackadder kicks him in the gonads]
- Lord Percy Percy: Ooh, ouch... Jane Herrington. We're very much in love, my lord.
- Lord Edmund Blackadder: This is *the* Jane Herrington?
- Lord Percy Percy: Yes.
- Lord Edmund Blackadder: Jane "bury-me-in-a-Y-shaped-coffin" Herrington.
- Lord Percy Percy: I... , I think maybe there are two Jane Herringtons.
- Lord Edmund Blackadder: No... Tall, blond, elegant?
- Lord Percy Percy: Right, that's right.
- Lord Edmund Blackadder: Goes like a privy door when the plague comes down?
- Lord Edmund Blackadder: Well young man, you've got yourself a job. What do they call you?
- Kate: Kate.
- Lord Edmund Blackadder: Isn't that a bit of a... girl's name?
- Kate: Oh it's, erm, short for, erm... Bob.
- Lord Edmund Blackadder: Bob?
- Kate: Yes.
- Lord Edmund Blackadder: Well, Bob, welcome on board.
- Lord Flasheart: She's got a tongue like an electric eel, and she likes the taste of a man's tonsils.