Boston Legal (TV Series)

Schmidt Happens (2005)

James Spader: Alan Shore

Quotes 

• Shirley Schmidt : [Shirley walks in, turns on a faucet, and glares into a mirror at Alan]  Who the hell are you?

  Alan Shore : It's not who, so much as what. This is a men's room. What's your name, fella?

  Shirley Schmidt : I'm Shirley Schmidt. Pardon the intrusion, but one of our assistants is suing us under Title IX, claiming, among other things, the men have better fixtures.

  Alan Shore : So, you're Shirley Schmidt, of Crane, Poole, and...

  Shirley Schmidt : - Schmidt.

  Alan Shore : Alan Shore, it's a pleasure.

  [He turns from the urinal and extends his hand to her] 

  Shirley Schmidt : [scoffs]  Surely, you intend to wash that first.

  Alan Shore : I keep an extremely clean penis.

  [He then turns to wash his hands] 

  Shirley Schmidt : I know all about you.

  Alan Shore : And I, you. There's much written in stall #2. I pictured you younger. Much.

  Shirley Schmidt : A smart attorney recognizes who he can or cannot rattle.

  Alan Shore : He also knows a good rattle when he sees one.

  Shirley Schmidt : Since I'm your boss, I can't return your sexual banter, but I will say, for the record, that if I were looking for a rattle? He would be taller. He would be better looking. He would be more evolved than a junior in high school...

  Alan Shore : I prefer the juniors in high school.

  Shirley Schmidt : - He would be something other than a self-loathing narcissist with a dwarf fetish, and yes, judging from what I got a glimpse of in the mirror when I first entered the room? He. Would. Be. Bigger. Much.

  [She turns and walks out] 

  Alan Shore : My, my, my...

• Bernard Ferrion : Mom? Mom? It's me... Bernard.

  Mrs. Ferrion : Bernard.

  Bernard Ferrion : The doctors say you're gonna be just fine. You just need to rest, Mother.

  Mrs. Ferrion : My Bernard.

  [to Dr. Kohler] 

  Mrs. Ferrion : He hit me on the head.

  [Dr. Kohler looks up suddenly from Mrs. Ferrion's chart] 

  Mrs. Ferrion : I think with a skillet.

  Bernard Ferrion : [scoffs]  Ma! What are you talking about? You fell.

  Mrs. Ferrion : You tried to kill me.

  Alan Shore : She's a Chatty Cathy!

• Alan Shore : Sounds like an accidental skillet-bopping so far.

• D.A. Bret Haber : [about Bernard Ferrion]  He is a threat to society.

  Alan Shore : Nonsence. He only kills mothers, allegedly and he's fresh out of them.