- Sam Malone: Carla, uh, I'd like you to meet Woody Boyd. Woody, this is Carla Tortelli.
- Woody Boyd: Hi ma'am.
- Carla Tortelli: Ma'am? What's that supposed to mean?
- Woody Boyd: I believe it's a term of respect.
- Carla Tortelli: No wonder it sounded so weird.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: [after telling the story of how Diane left him at the altar] The story of my humiliation spread like wildfire through the university, and then to the entire Italian countryside. Everyone knew about it, everyone knew about my shame.
- Sam Malone: No, you must have been imagining it.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh, was I? Do you know that in soccer, when a player kicks at the ball, misses and falls down, it's now called a 'Frasier'?
- Sam Malone: That could be a coincidence.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: If he's knocked cold, it's called a 'Frasier Crane'!
- Dr. Frasier Crane: [about Diane leaving him at the altar] I've lost everything Malone: my tenure, my practice and my Diane. My life is ruined and it's all your fault. Don't you think someone should pay for that?
- [Frasier pulls out a gun and points it in Sam's direction]
- Sam Malone: If by someone you mean someone in this room, I, I can honesty answer no, I don't. Oh, come on.
- [suddenly becomes calmer]
- Sam Malone: Ah, wait a second. What are you doing? The gun's not even loaded.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Certainly it's loaded.
- Sam Malone: No it isn't.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh, of course you know it's not, because Frasier Crane is a harmless person, who never caused you a moment's concern, not a moment's worry, who was never a threat to your relationship with Diane, and he isn't a threat now. Is that it, Sam?
- Sam Malone: [points in the gun's direction] No, it's just that the little holes there are empty.
- Sam Malone: [at a convent] You wouldn't happen to know where a men's room was around here, would you?
- Diane Chambers: Sam, would you put a men's room in a convent?
- Sam Malone: Right now, I would, yes.
- Sam Malone: [visiting Diane at the convent] Hi, Diane.
- Diane Chambers: Hi, Sam.
- [Diane does a double take]
- Diane Chambers: AHHHH!
- Norm Peterson: You know how I've been trying to get Vera pregnant? Congratulate me.
- Sam Malone: Hey, hey!
- [there is general excitement with Cliff, Carla and Sam]
- Sam Malone: Whoa, I think this calls for champagne, here.
- Norm Peterson: Why, thank you Sam.
- Sam Malone: What sex do you want it to be?
- Norm Peterson: Sex? Come on, I thought you just ask for the vintage, you know. Wait, wait, I see your mistake. Vera's not with child. She just told me I didn't have to try and get her pregnant anymore. Let's celebrate, come on, party!
- Norm Peterson: [walking out of the pool room] Hey Cliffy, next time you try and imitate that helicopter, I think you ought to chalk up the cues before you stick them in your ears.
- Cliff Clavin: You kidding. I'd look pretty silly with chalk in my ears.
- [Frasier has finished telling Sam about Diane's debauchery in Italy after she left him at the altar]
- Sam Malone: [Incredulous] Diane, dancing on tabletops? You mean, my-- your-- our... *the* Diane?
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Yes. All of them.
- Sam Malone: [after hearing about how Diane left Frasier, and assuring Frasier that he was over Diane] If you know what's good for you, I think you should forget about her too.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: [Ruefully] Oh, I'll forget about her. I'll forget about her when the moon turns to ashes and the birds sing nevermore.
- Sam Malone: [Upbeat; slaps Frasier on the shoulder] There you go!