- Dressmaker: We dressmakers have a very strict code, so I need to know. Do you deserve to wear virginial white? Because if you don't, you'll have to wear an off white, what we call a "hussy white". So which will it be? White white?
- Margo Sherman: Yes... um, except for the gloves.
- Dressmaker: Oopsie, I swallowed a pin. That's gonna be a fun little journey!
- Eleanor: I forgot what a marvelous dancer you are.
- Franklin: And I forgot to turn the oven off.
- [scene cuts to the Sherman Mansion, now on fire]
- Shakleford: Burn, baby, burn!
- [phone rings]
- Jay Sherman: Hello?
- Doris: Jay, it's Doris. I'm at the morgue. Could you come down and tell 'em I'm not dead? They don't believe me!
- Jay Sherman: You are an insipid, walking commercial, and your cereal turned my urine pink!
- Humphrey the Hippo: Well, you have to eat six bowls for that to happen!
- Jay Sherman: Yes, yes, and a gallon of chocolate milk. But that's not the point.
- Margo: Debutant balls are outdated, elitist, and sexist. You said so yourself in your review of Boyz n the Hood.
- Jay Sherman: Yeah, but I was really off a tangent that day.
- Duke Phillips: You know why nobody watches your show?
- Jay Sherman: Because it's intelligent?
- Duke Phillips: Well, that's one of your problems.
- [Eleanor is showing an old news reel featuring her coming out at a débutante ball and J. Edgar Hoover in drag]
- Jay Sherman: Hey, look, Mom. You and Hoover came out on the same day.
- Eleanor Sherman: Don't you say that about your Uncle Edgar!
- Jay Sherman: God love her, Mom, I couldn't change her mind. But you should be proud she has your will.
- Eleanor Sherman: She may have my will, but she doesn't have my gun!
- Shakleford: I'm sorry Master Jay, I did so want to scrub your dainties, but they somehow caught fire. Why do they burn so long?
- Duke Phillips: You know why nobody watches your show?
- Jay Sherman: Because it's intelligent?
- Duke Phillips: Well that's *one* of your problems.
- [about to enter a limo]
- Jay Sherman: And I want everyone to know before I get in that I had a big Mexican lunch.
- Limo Driver: Hey, don't worry about it! I once drove James Coco home after a Texas chili cook-off.