- [first lines]
- Harrison Destry: For some time now I've been ridin' all over the frontier and huntin' for the man who framed me and sent me to prison. I've never run across him - yet - but I've met all kinds of outstanding American citizens... professional men like the James boys, Jesse and Frank, who had so much to do with the establishment of the sound financial system of the American West... mainly by making banks buy bigger and stronger safes. The Dalton boys, the Younger brothers and the Reno brothers - they understood that the secret of a thriving economy was to keep a lot of money in circulation. 'Course, it happened to be other people's money, but it's the principle that counts. But the Flanzig brothers, Hoge and Jude, were just about the meanest, nastiest, most bloodthirsty ruthless killers who ever lived. The nicest thing I ever heard said about 'em was that they shot a man through the heart, which killed him quick. I don't have anything to do with people like that, of course. That's because I've always managed to keep away from violence. Just ask anybody.
- [scene cuts to a barroom brawl]
- Harrison Destry: Well, I think I'll wander over to Whit's saloon and see if there's any trouble.
- Joe Finster: You won't find any trouble over there.
- Harrison Destry: Maybe that's because I haven't got there yet.
- Joe Finster: You like the people here?
- Harrison Destry: Sure.
- Joe Finster: You like this town.
- Harrison Destry: Sure, but I ain't fixin' to die for it.
- Joe Finster: Nobody wants to die - that's why we need you, son. We need you to help us fight the Flanzigs.
- Harrison Destry: Well, you're not going to get me.
- Joe Finster: Your father never would have talked like that.
- Harrison Destry: My father got shot 37 times in his life, the last seven of which was all at once and killed him. Now I got the way I'm going to die all planned - in an old folks home.
- Joe Finster: Your father died with his boots on.
- Harrison Destry: It's better to live with your boots on!
- Joe Finster: I just want you to know I'm doing this under duress.
- Harrison Destry: I hate to hear you talk like that.
- Joe Finster: I've got a deep rooted belief in caution, the avoidance of danger and the pursuit of peace - and I've got the courage of my convictions.
- Harrison Destry: Yes, I mean run! It's the only intelligent thing left to do and we'd better hurry.
- Joe Finster: No. I'm stayin'.
- Harrison Destry: It's no time for jokin'!
- Joe Finster: I ain't jokin', Destry.
- Harrison Destry: I know how you feel, Joe, but you remember what happened to Horatio at the bridge and the Spartans at Thermopylae and those fellows in the Charge of the Light Brigade? They were heroes... and they got killed. Now face the truth - the only reasonable thing to do is get out of here.
- Joe Finster: You're right. You can have my bay down at the stable at the corner and you'd better hurry.
- Harrison Destry: Joe, for the last time, will you please come with me?
- Joe Finster: This is my town. I've done everything I can for it - except one.
- [Destry hands Joe his deputy's badge]
- Harrison Destry: Joe, I resign for reasons of health - I want to keep mine.
- [Jake, the undertaker, brandishes his gun]
- Jake Weatherby: I could only find two bullets for this rifle at the last minute, but I'll try for two customers with it.