- Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Well, uh, Mr. Darwell, out children have been fighting.
- Ogden Darwell: Fi... But, uh, your child is a male. I mean, he's a boy, isn't he?
- Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Well, ye... my male is... is a boy. I have... a Ritchie. I have a... boy.
- Ogden Darwell: And they've been fighting?
- Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Yes.
- Ogden Darwell: That's very odd. I mean, Pricilla hasn't come home hurt or anything.
- Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Well, that's... that's because she's winning.
- Laura Petrie: Rob, our son is a terrible liar.
- Robert 'Rob' Petrie: That's what I think.
- Laura Petrie: No, I mean he's a terrible liar. He doesn't tell lies well. I know when he IS lying, Rob, and he wasn't about this girl.
- Laura Petrie: I mean, being beaten up by a girl makes him a sissy, and who ever heard of a boy saying he was a sissy on purpose?
- Robert 'Rob' Petrie: A lot of guys in the army tried it.
- Laura Petrie: Rob, Ritchie is scared to go to school tomorrow.
- Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Oh, he didn't tell me that.
- Laura Petrie: No, of course not. He tells you the brave things. When he's chicken, he talks to me.
- Buddy Sorrell: Boy, I'd sure like to help you, Rob, but every time I think about that little girl beatin' up your kid, breaks me up.
- Sally Rogers: Breaks you up, eh, that a little girl can beat up a little boy?
- Buddy Sorrell: Yeah.
- Sally Rogers: Kind of sense of humor is that?
- Buddy Sorrell: Perverted.
- Buddy Sorrell: Gee, when I was a little boy, there was one girl beatin' me up all the time.
- Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Really?
- Buddy Sorrell: My mother.
- [Rob and Laura decide to give Ritchie permission to hit the girl who's been beating him up at school]
- Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Call him out and tell him.
- Laura Petrie: Me? Why me?
- Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Well, honey, it's a mother's place to tell a little boy to hit a girl.
- Laura Petrie: What makes it a mother's place?
- Robert 'Rob' Petrie: The father who tells the mother that it's her place.
- Ritchie Petrie: I never kissed a girl before.
- Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Well, you kissed Mommy.
- Ritchie Petrie: That's not the same.
- Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Well, yes it is.
- Laura Petrie: No, it isn't.
- Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Don't confuse him, honey.
- Rob Petrie: One time at a high school dance, Margie Willis slapped me 'cause I said her slip was showing.
- Laura Petrie: Is that all?
- Rob Petrie: Well I said it on a loud speaker.