The Dick Van Dyke Show (TV Series)

It Wouldn't Hurt Them to Give Us a Raise (1964)

Roger C. Carmel: Doug Wesley

Quotes 

• Rob Petrie : Mr. Wesley, this pot is The Alan Brady Show, right?

  Doug Wesley : Right.

  Rob Petrie : [tossing out flowers as he speaks]  Uh-huh, and his lovely red flower is Alan Brady. Uh-huh. Now, you take away Sally Rogers, and Buddy Sorrell, and Robert Petrie, and all Alan has left is an empty pot!

• Doug Wesley : Alan Brady works for Alan Brady Productions.

  Rob Petrie : Yeah, but he owns it.

  Doug Wesley : Ah, but Alan Brady Productions is a subsidiary of Reliance Industries.

  Rob Petrie : [clears throat]  What, uh... what's a Reliance Industries?

  Doug Wesley : Reliance Industries owns The Cliff Barnett Show and they run a fleet of shrimp boats in the Gulf of Mexico.

• Doug Wesley : You see, you and Sally and Buddy are not employed by the same firm.

  Rob Petrie : We're not?

  Doug Wesley : No, no, no. You, Rob, as head writer, are an executive, and all our executives are paid by Alan's Japanese company, Ishimoru.

  Rob Petrie : Ishimoru, is that Japanese?

  Doug Wesley : Oh, yes, yes.

  Rob Petrie : You know, I always thought that was a combination of Alan's kids' names.

  Doug Wesley : No. No. No, they make motorcycles, Rob.

  Rob Petrie : And, and, they, uh, they pay me. Well, then, who... who pays Buddy and Sally?

  Doug Wesley : Tam O'Shanter Ltd. of Scotland.

  Rob Petrie : Why can't Tam O'Shanter Ltd. of Scotland give them a raise, then?

  Doug Wesley : They're not doing too well right now, Rob.

  Rob Petrie : [looking at their sizable corporate binder]  They're not? With a book that thick, they're not? What, uh... what do THEY make?

  Doug Wesley : Mm, right now, very bad investments, but a few years ago they were doing very well.

  Rob Petrie : Well, what... what did they make then?

  Doug Wesley : The Martin and Lewis coloring book.

• Doug Wesley : [trying to explain Alan Brady's corporate picture]  Rob, maybe I can demonstrate it better with the flowers.

  Rob Petrie : The flowers?

  Doug Wesley : [picking up a vase of fowers]  Yeah. Now, this pot is Alan Brady.

  Rob Petrie : Good casting.

  Doug Wesley : All these flowers are his various enterprises.

  Rob Petrie : He has that many flowers, huh?

  Doug Wesley : Now this big, lusty, healthy blue flower - that's Ishimoru.

  Rob Petrie : [taking the blue flower]  Ishimoru... uh, uh - ptpt ptpt - motorcycles.

  Doug Wesley : Right, right. Now, this sickly little green flower - that's Tam O'Shanter.

  Rob Petrie : [taking the green flower]  Tam O'Shanter, uh, coloring books.

  Doug Wesley : Right.

  Rob Petrie : Got that.

  Doug Wesley : Now, this big pink flower - that's Brady Lady.

  Rob Petrie : Brady Lady?

  Doug Wesley : Brady Lady is owned by Alan's wife.

  Rob Petrie : Alan's wife?

  Doug Wesley : She pays the band.

  Rob Petrie : Alan's wife pays the band?

  Doug Wesley : Well, it's a perfectly legitimate loophole, Rob.

  [Rob takes the pink flower as Mel enters and exits] 

  Mel Cooley : Wesley, would you check over these figures and get an answer back to me right away? I've been up here a thousand times: you never gave ME any flowers.