The Dick Van Dyke Show (TV Series)

The Case of the Pillow (1965)

Ed Begley: Judge Nathaniel Taylor

Quotes 

• Rob Petrie : Well, now, Mrs. Petrie, the defendant has already admitted that you telephoned him complaining about the chicken-smelling pillows. Now, would you now, to the best of your recollection and in your own words, tell us what transpired and ensued during that telephone call - keeping in mind at all times that you are under oath?

  [Laura looks lost] 

  Judge : [paraphrasing]  Just tell what happened on the phone.

  Laura Petrie : Oh.

• Rob Petrie : Well, uh, Your Honor, would... would the introduction of an indi... indication of misrepresentation be a substantiation?

  Judge : Of what?

  Rob Petrie : Well, I'm... uh... of my... my case.

  Judge : Now, if you can prove misrepresentation, it may.

  Rob Petrie : May what?

  Judge : What you said before.

  Rob Petrie : Oh! Oh! Oh, thank you, Honor. That's wonderful!

• Rob Petrie : I now submit, Your Honor, my most damaging piece of evidence - Exhibit I.

  Judge : Mr. Petrie, is it your intention to run through the entire alphabet?

• Rob Petrie : Your Honor, it isn't only my opinion. That is the point I would like to make, if it pleases the court.

  Judge : Anything that you do from now on that will speed up this trial will thrill the court.

• Judge : Then will you present your case to the court, please, and keeping in mind that we have a very busy calendar.

  Rob Petrie : [trying to impress with a lawyer-like manner]  Thank you, Honor. I'm fully aware of your busy calendar, and I will attempt at ALL times to be as brief and concise and succinct as I possibly can. And now I would like to give my opening statement, if it so please the court.