- Laura Petrie: We've had eiderdown pillows before. They never smelled like this.
- Rob Petrie: Yeah? Well, the duck who got rid of these to make a pillow must be the happiest duck in the world.
- Rob Petrie: Well, now, Mrs. Petrie, the defendant has already admitted that you telephoned him complaining about the chicken-smelling pillows. Now, would you now, to the best of your recollection and in your own words, tell us what transpired and ensued during that telephone call - keeping in mind at all times that you are under oath?
- [Laura looks lost]
- Judge: [paraphrasing] Just tell what happened on the phone.
- Laura Petrie: Oh.
- Buddy Sorrell: [the first to test-smell Laura's new pillows] Why do I always have to be the first?
- Sally Rogers: Because you're expendable.
- Rob Petrie: Well, uh, Your Honor, would... would the introduction of an indi... indication of misrepresentation be a substantiation?
- Judge: Of what?
- Rob Petrie: Well, I'm... uh... of my... my case.
- Judge: Now, if you can prove misrepresentation, it may.
- Rob Petrie: May what?
- Judge: What you said before.
- Rob Petrie: Oh! Oh! Oh, thank you, Honor. That's wonderful!
- Rob Petrie: I now submit, Your Honor, my most damaging piece of evidence - Exhibit I.
- Judge: Mr. Petrie, is it your intention to run through the entire alphabet?
- [last lines]
- Rob Petrie: [seeing that Laura has now purchased blankets from Mr. Wiley] What if those are faulty?
- Laura Petrie: There's no problem. None whatsoever. He gave us a guarantee.
- Rob Petrie: What kind of a guarantee?
- Laura Petrie: He said that if anything goes wrong with these blankets that you can always take him to court and beat him again.
- Rob Petrie: Your Honor, it isn't only my opinion. That is the point I would like to make, if it pleases the court.
- Judge: Anything that you do from now on that will speed up this trial will thrill the court.
- Judge: Then will you present your case to the court, please, and keeping in mind that we have a very busy calendar.
- Rob Petrie: [trying to impress with a lawyer-like manner] Thank you, Honor. I'm fully aware of your busy calendar, and I will attempt at ALL times to be as brief and concise and succinct as I possibly can. And now I would like to give my opening statement, if it so please the court.