- Sam Petrie: Yeah, well, that little pin there tells the history of the whole Petrie family. Each diamond represents the birthplace of a male Petrie.
- Sam Petrie: [explaining the brooch's curse] Well, you see that empty setting there in Pittsburgh? That was Uncle Jonah.
- Laura Petrie: Was?
- Sam Petrie: Yeah. The stone dropped out, Uncle Jonah dropped dead. Pow.
- Rob Petrie: Well, Uncle Jonah was an old man. He was, what, eighty-seven.
- Sam Petrie: But he DIED, and that's the important thing.
- Clara Petrie: But, Sam, it was six months later.
- Sam Petrie: There's nothing more horrible than a slow, LINGERING death.
- Clara Petrie: Sam Petrie, one more word out of you and I'm leaving.
- Sam Petrie: Threaten me again, Clara, I'll knock my OWN stone out.
- [Rob finally admits his parents into the house while Mr. Mark the jeweler scoots out]
- Sam Petrie: Well, who was that?
- Rob Petrie: Uh, duh, delivery boy.
- Sam Petrie: Well, why did you slam the door in our faces?
- Rob Petrie: Uh... Laura was undressed. I didn't want you to see her.
- Sam Petrie: Oh, the delivery boy could see her but we couldn't.
- Clara Petrie: [reacting to the brooch on Laura in horror] AHH!
- Sam Petrie: What's wrong?
- Clara Petrie: Uncle Jonah - he's come back.
- Rob Petrie: Well, let's look at it this way, honey: it's not the thought, it's the ugliness behind it.
- Laura Petrie: Do you think you can fix it?
- Mr. Mark: If I can't fix it, nobody can.
- Laura Petrie: Then you can fix it?
- Mr. Mark: Nobody can.
- Mr. Mark: Where is that state that sticks out? Florida.
- Laura Petrie: Oh, well that went down the drain.
- Mr. Mark: You wouldn't settle for Czechoslovakia, would you?
- Laura Petrie: No, I'm, I'm afraid not.
- Mr. Mark: A cockeyed Poland?
- Laura Petrie: No, no, it's the United States or nothing.
- Mr. Mark: You got it. Nothing.
- Laura Petrie: Can you have it by Saturday?
- Mr. Mark: Saturday? Impossible. Absolutely impossible.
- Millie Helper: Well, we'll just have to try another jeweler.
- Mr. Mark: Nothing is that impossible. You'll have it Saturday.
- Rob Petrie: I'll bet you never thought the family heirloom was a map of the United States.
- Laura Petrie: No. I really don't know whether to wear it or keep it in the glove compartment.