- Earl Sinclair: Mr. Toilet's a friend, and the best way to treat a new friend is to sit on them and give them a big present.
- Baby Sinclair: That's disgusting!
- Earl Sinclair: That may be, but you're gonna do it anyway.
- Earl Sinclair: This is female's work. That's why I married a female.
- Fran Sinclair: [Growing impatient] We'll discuss this later. I don't want to lose my temper in front of the B-A-B-Y.
- Earl Sinclair: Alright, but I'm telling you right now, I'm not changing anymore D-I-P... No wait a minute, uh... D-A-I-... uh, no...
- [the Baby spells out "They think I can't spell" with his blocks and chuckles]
- Earl Sinclair: [Baby is straining] And what would you be doing?
- Baby Sinclair: ...nothing.
- Earl Sinclair: You're gonna make a poop, aren't you?
- Baby Sinclair: ...maybe...
- [continues straining]
- Robbie Sinclair: He's goin'.
- Charlene Sinclair: Definitely.
- Earl Sinclair: Are you going or not?
- Baby Sinclair: [strains than sighs relieved] Not anymore.
- Earl Sinclair: Alright, that's it! We're going back up to the bathroom and we're not coming out until one of us is potty trained!
- Roy Hess: [the baby needs changing] You better do something, pally-boy, I'm starting to feel a little woozy.
- Earl Sinclair: [rolls up his sleeves] Yeah, I guess there's no avoiding the dirty work. Fran, We need a diaper change in here pronto!
- Fran Sinclair: I've changed every diaper in this house for the past 15 years and now, it's YOUR turn.
- Earl Sinclair: Well, we're skipping my turn.
- Baby: I'm not getting any fresher over here.
- Robbie Sinclair: You know, Dad, Mom's got a point. It is kinda sexist to expect her to change all the diapers because she's a female.
- Earl Sinclair: Well, we don't wanna be sexist, now do we, son? Here,
- [hands him diaper]
- Earl Sinclair: Knock yourself out.
- [Potty training Baby]
- Earl: Now, imagine there's a fire and you are the fire captain. No. No. No. I'm not the fire. The fire's over there.
- TV Announcer: One badge. One gun. Three horns. Triceracops!
- Lieutenant: Triceracops, you're unconventional! One more stunt like that and I'll have your BADGE!
- Triceracops: Have this!
- [shoots Lieutenant six times]
- Triceracops: Anything else, Lieutenant?
- TV Announcer: Triceracops. Coming this fall on ABC.
- Roy Hess: Wow. A maverick cop who can't work within the system. I think that's unprecedented.
- [the Baby had run away on Ethyl's wheelchair. Finding the clues, Earl slowly discovers something]
- Earl: Some fiend broke in, flushed the baby down the toilet, drank his juice and escaped on Ethyl's wheelchair. And yet he didn't take my wallet
- [picking it up from the counter]
- Earl: We're obviously dealing with somebody very stupid.