- Eric Duckman: Mrs. Leibner, your husband was an honorable man, who always put his family first. Why, it was out of consideration for you that he concealed his rampant homosexuality.
- [Mrs. Leibner gasps]
- Eric Duckman: In fact, the last thing he said to me was, "Duckman, don't tell my wife."
- Bernice: Duckman!
- Eric Duckman: What? It's true! He was protecting you. He was afraid you would think you drove him to it, but you didn't. He said he stopped caring about you 20 years before he even slept with a man.
- Eric Duckman: Anyway, I don't get it. All the women you've known and you've never had sex? Fed the meter? Shellacked the furniture? Jellied the doughnut? Booted the hard drive? Sent the pink Cadillac to Lube Masters for a tune-up? Knicknacked Patty's whack? Gave Ms. Pacman something to munch? Cast a secret ballot for Goomaster General? Studied spernography...
- Cornfed: Point made. And no, I don't base my relationships with women on sex?
- Eric Duckman: What else is there?
- Cornfed: Common interests, intellect, a shared humor...
- Eric Duckman: Uh-huh.
- Eric Duckman: We need women who never meet desirable men. That's why were here. Let's face it, if you can't score at a Star Trek convention, you might as well be dead.
- Eric Duckman: It's so typical of women. When you weren't looking for it, when you didn't care, they swarmed all over you. But need it just a little, they smell your desperation a mile away.