- Ray Vecchio: For years she's been saying that she wants to visit her sister in Florida, how hard it is to be apart, how much she misses her. Soon as I booked the hotel room she decided she's not speaking to her. I think she's just going down there to glare at her.
- Fraser: What's wrong with your hat?
- Fraser Sr.: Oh, well this is the one they buried me in. They had to snip off the back so I could lie flat. I'm sure they meant well but they don't know how embarrassing these things can be in the afterlife.
- Peddlar: Hey, mister, mister! Take a look! Twenty bucks for a genuine Eskimo soapstone sculpture.
- Fraser: [examining the "sculpture"] Actually, this isn't soapstone. It's not even stone - it's soap. And you might be curious to discover that the Inuit are not indigenous to Taiwan.
- Peddlar: Weren't they supposed to have crossed the Bering Strait?
- Fraser: Point taken.
- Fraser Sr.: In my 57 years of being alive and my 14 months of being dead, I only learned one thing about women and that's that I haven't learned one damn thing about women.
- Fraser Sr.: I arrested your mother once.
- Fraser: You did not!
- Fraser Sr.: Honest to God! I gave her a speeding ticket.
- Fraser: You knew it was her car and you pulled her over anyway?
- Fraser Sr.: Nope - I was right there in the passenger seat.
- Fraser: Get out!
- Fraser Sr.: She was doing 45 in a 30.
- Fraser: Mum?
- Fraser Sr.: I kept telling her I was going to do it, and every time I did she kept speeding up! Made absolutely no sense.
- [first lines]
- Ray Vecchio: You know how long that pool table's been in my basement?
- Fraser: Fifteen years.
- Ray Vecchio: My old man brought it home for Mothers' Day, on Fathers' Day she let him back in the house.