Family Guy (TV Series)

PTV (2005)

Alex Borstein: Lois Griffin, Edith Bunker, Wile E. Coyote's Wife, Klanswoman, Olivia Walton

Quotes 

• Lois Griffin : The "Side-Boob Hour"? Peter, that's it. I asked you to stop this, and you didn't listen to me. I'm sorry, but you left me no other choice. I called the FCC.

  Peter Griffin : Oh, yeah, I know all about the FCC.

  [music in] 

  Peter Griffin : They will clean up all your talking in a manner such as this.

  Brian Griffin : They will make you take a tinkle when you want to take a piss.

  Stewie Griffin : And they'll make you call fellatio a trouser-friendly kiss.

  Peter Griffin , Stewie Griffin , Brian Griffin : It's the plain situation, there's no negotiation

  Peter Griffin : With the fellas at the freaking FCC.

  Brian Griffin : They're as stuffy as the stuffiest of special interest groups.

  Peter Griffin : Make a joke about your bowels and they order in the troops.

  Stewie Griffin : Any baby with a brain could tell them everybody poops.

  Peter Griffin , Stewie Griffin , Brian Griffin : Take a tip, take a lesson. You'll never win by messing

  Peter Griffin : With the fellas at the freaking FCC. And if you find yourself with some young sexy thing, you're gonna have to do her with your "ding-a-ling", 'cause you can't say "penis". So they sent this little warning, they're prepared to do their worst.

  Brian Griffin : And they stuck it in your mailbox hoping you could be coerced.

  Stewie Griffin : I can think of quite another place they should've stuck it first.

  Peter Griffin , Stewie Griffin , Brian Griffin : They may just be neurotic, or possibly psychotic. They're the fellas at the freaking FCC!

• Lois Griffin : [after Peter "craps" off of an overpass onto the family automobile]  Stewie may never be able to ride in the car again!

  Stewie Griffin : [cowering in a corner]  Turn off the windshield wipers; they don't work! They're just making it worse!

• Lois Griffin : Oh, come on. I know what'll make you feel better. How about a little angry sex, huh?

  Peter Griffin : [half-heartedly]  Oh, all right.

  [he rolls on top of her, but before they can do anything, an airhorn sounds] 

  FCC officer : Whoa, whoa, whoa! Those actions are highly inappropriate.

  Lois Griffin : What? Wait a minute, we're not allowed to have sex?

  FCC officer : Oh, you can have sex. Just no moaning, no tongue kissing, no thrusting, no movement whatsoever.

  Lois Griffin : [after a moment of silence]  Well, this isn't very romantic. I mean, how are we supposed to...

  Peter Griffin : [his eyes glazing over]  I'm done. Night, Lois.

  [he falls asleep] 

• Lois Griffin : Brian stop writing jokes for Peter.

• Archie Bunker : [He and Edith are both wearing Klan sheets; he sets fire to a cross planted in the ground]  Time for you to move there, uh, Jefferson.

  Edith Bunker : Oh, Archie, I can't see out of my sheet!

  Archie Bunker : Edith, will you stifle yourself? We're supposed to be incognitus.

• Lois Griffin : Chris, you should have left for school already.

  Chris Griffin : Oy shiksa, don't start with me. I didn't go, I wanted to go, I forgot to go, I should have gone.

  Lois Griffin : Chris, just go!

  Chris Griffin : Mom, relax. You look so haggard, zebezel. You should lie down or your heart might go

  [makes fart sound] 

  Chris Griffin : .

• Lois Griffin : [in their bedroom]  Say you like eating red carpet!

  Peter Griffin : I like eating red carpet!

  Glen Quagmire : [standing on the sidewalk, faints]  Giggity!

• Peter Griffin : Lois, these eggs are scrambled. I thought for sure you'd be making Eggs Benedict Arnold.

  Lois Griffin : Brian, stop writing jokes for Peter.

• Chris Griffin : Are we there yet?

  Lois Griffin : No, Chris, honey, we're not.

  Chris Griffin : Are we there yet?

  Lois Griffin : No, Chris.

  Chris Griffin : Are we there yet?

  Lois Griffin : Yes, Chris. Okay? We're there.

  Chris Griffin : LIAR!