Family Guy (TV Series)
Ready, Willing and Disabled (2001)
Seth MacFarlane: Peter Griffin, Brian Griffin, Stewie Griffin, Glenn Quagmire, Tom Tucker, Dr. Elmer Hartman, Announcer, Phineas, Angel, Referee
Photos
Quotes
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Peter Griffin : Say, what happened to the car wash thief?
Joe Swanson : Ironically, I severed his spine when I landed on him.
Peter Griffin : Looks like you got more competition at next year's special people's games, huh?
Joe Swanson : Nope, he's dead.
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Peter Griffin : [enters Tom Tucker's room in a wheelchair with his head bandaged] Mr. Tucker, I have become crippled. Therefore, I demand people to pay more respect for me and make a made for TV movie about me starring Vallerie Bert-n-Eernie. And the first story you're going to run: exclusive footage of my tragic accident.
[puts the tape into the VCR]
Peter Griffin : [on the video] Ah! Oh no! There's a car coming too fast to stop in time. Aiyeeeeee!
[cuts to a scarecrow wearing Peter's clothes, which gets hit by a speeding car. Cuts to Peter laying on the ground]
Peter Griffin : [on the video] Waah! I'm handicapped now!
Peter Griffin : There you have it.
Tom Tucker : Mr. Griffin, you can't possibly expect me to believe you. That was clearly a scarecrow dressed in your clothes. And when I freeze-frame
[rewinds the tape on the VCR, then pauses]
Tom Tucker : that's *you* driving the car.
Peter Griffin : Well, there's your hook.
Tom Tucker : Get out.
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[a slick-looking man drives up to Joe and jumps out of his car]
Slick Guy : Jim Caplin: Sports Agent. You like this car?
Joe Swanson : Yeah.
Slick Guy : [hands over the keys] It's yours. You like these pants?
Joe Swanson : Yeah.
Slick Guy : [removes pants and hands them over] They're yours. You know what a merkin is?
Joe Swanson : No.
Slick Guy : [holds his underwear open] Pubic wig. I got one, you want it?
Joe Swanson : No!
Slick Guy : Of course not, you're a classy guy. You want to be rich?
Joe Swanson : Yeah.
Slick Guy : [takes out a contract] Sign here.
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Peter Griffin : Tom Tucker, I have just become handicapped like Joe Swanson, and I demand commercial endorsements, and a TV movie based on me staring Valerie BertandErnie.
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Stewie Griffin : Knuckles, get the handbag!
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Stewie Griffin : [Meg reaches into the back of Stewi's overalls to pull out the money clip] What the ...? Oh, very clever. Take another reach. You forgot your change.