- Harriette Winslow: Laura, what on earth would possess you to go into a place like Club Buff?
- Laura Winslow: [coyly] I suppose I could ask you the same thing.
- [Harriette glares at her]
- Laura Winslow: But I'm no fool.
- Harriette Winslow: Your Aunt Rachel dragged me in there, she wanted to see what it was like. She should've asked your grandmother, she has a lifetime membership.
- Gorgeous Waiter: You're on next.
- Steve Urkel: Oh but I'm not ready, I need time to prepare.
- Gorgeous Waiter: Yeah, you need plastic surgery too but we don't have time for that either.
- Maxine Johnson: [after Erik the Viking gives her his helmet and dances off stage] WHOOO! ENCORE, BABY, *ENCORE*!
- Laura Winslow: Come on, Maxine, let's go to the ladies' room and... hose you down.
- Harriette Winslow: So you've been here before?
- Estelle 'Mother' Winslow: Oh, once or twice.
- Gorgeous Waiter: Hello Estelle!
- Estelle 'Mother' Winslow: Hi, Derrick! How're the children?
- Gorgeous Waiter: They're great, would you like your usual table?
- Steve Urkel: [posing as a stripper] It's not how many muscles you have, it's how you use the ones you've got.
- Laura Winslow: [runs into Harriette trying to sneak out of the club] Uh oh.
- Harriette Winslow: The BIG uh-oh.
- Gorgeous Waiter: Sorry I had to grill you about your ID, you don't look 28.
- Maxine Johnson: I get that all the time.
- Gorgeous Waiter: Here you go, Miss.
- Laura Winslow: Oh, it's Mrs. I'm a divorcee... caught my husband with the babysitter.
- Steve Urkel: Laura, don't run!
- Laura Winslow: [in a strappy dress with no bra] Why not?
- Steve Urkel: Well when you do, you bounce!
- Harriette Winslow: Rachel was always the daring one, so I decided I wanted to do something daring too just to show her one time. The Motown Revue came to Chicago, all the greats: The Temptations, the Supremes, Little Stevie Wonder, and my favorite, Smokey Robinson. I ditched school and stood outside their hotel for four hours.
- Laura Winslow: Did you get their autograph?
- Harriette Winslow: Even better, when they came out, I grabbed Smokey Robinson, tipped him back and gave him a big hard kiss on the lips. Found out why they called him Smokey.
- Eddie Winslow: Yo Waldo, what's that cologne you're wearing?
- Waldo Geraldo Faldo: Oh, it's not cologne.
- [pulls a pine tree air freshener out of his shirt]
- Waldo Geraldo Faldo: This baby's keeping more than my car fresh.
- K.C.: [on getting the fake IDs] All you need is $50 and a recent picture, you in?
- Maxine Johnson: $50 is a lot of money.
- K.C.: Maxine, we're talking near-naked-HUNKS.
- Maxine Johnson: I'll have the cash tomorrow.