- Father Ted: I know what's going on, Pat Mustard. There are some very hairy babies on Craggy Island, and I think you are the hairy baby-maker.
- Pat Mustard: Oh, yeah? Well, I think that you would need proof if you were going to make that sort of an accusation. And I'm a very careful man, Father. A very careful man!
- Father Ted: Except when it comes to taking precautions in the bedroom.
- Pat Mustard: Ah, w-... you certainly wouldn't be advising the use of artificial contraception now, Father, would you?
- Father Ted: Yes, I... well... if you're going to be... of course you will... JUST FECK OFF!
- Father Ted Crilly: [commenting on the babies at the competition Fathers Ted and Dougal judged] This sounds terrible to say but if you take...
- [denoting a respective picture]
- Father Ted Crilly: this baby's facial hair, this baby's moustache and this baby's sideboards, I think you'll get... I think you get Pat Mustard!
- Father Dougal McGuire: Are they copying his style?
- Mrs. Doyle: Father Crilly, Pat wants to know if he can put his massive tool in my box.
- Father Ted: Now see here!
- [Pat holds up a huge wrench]
- Pat Mustard: It won't fit in mine.
- Mr. Fox: [as Dougal is about to set off on the milk round] Better get going actually. Milk gets sour, you know. Unless it's UHT milk. But there's no demand for that because it's shite.
- Father Ted: [Checking his tea] This is a very milky cup of tea Mrs Doyle. This is almost an all milk cup of tea. I mean, is there any tea in here at all?
- Mrs. Doyle: Well, no.
- Father Ted: Anyone would think you were trying to use up all the milk so that, so that Pat Mustard could come here more often.
- Mrs. Doyle: [Pouring milk into a plant] Haw haw haw haw. Pat's very interesting though Father. At the weekends, he's a swimming instructor in the pool and he fought in Vietnam and he's a former Mr Universe and he taught Elvis Presley how to play karate.
- Father Ted: Well it sounds to me as though he's telling you a few tall tales. What do you think Dougal?
- Father Dougal McGuire: Well Ted, I'm very cynical as you know.
- Mrs. Doyle: Well Father, it's not my place I know, but it sounds to me like you're a little bit jealous.
- Father Ted: Jealous? Of Mr milky man? I very much think not.
- Father Ted Crilly: Dougal, listen to me. There's a bomb on the milk float!
- Father Dougal McGuire: A bomb. Right. Who's that for?
- Father Ted Crilly: [as Ted, Father Beeching and Father Clarke finish watching 'The Poseidon Adventure'] Well, that was no help at all.
- Father Beeching: He didn't even say Mass.
- Father Dougal McGuire: God, it's terrible to think of all that lovely milk floating around and going sour, with no-one dropping it off anywhere. I wish I could do it.
- Mr. Fox: Well, we could certainly trust you, Father. You are after all, a man of God.
- Father Dougal McGuire: A what?
- Father Ted Crilly: A priest.
- Father Dougal McGuire: Well, yeah. Thanks for reminding me! But I'd love to be a milkman for a while. That'd be fantastic. God knows I do flip all around here.
- Mr. Fox: That's not a bad idea. You could certainly fill in for a while.
- Father Ted Crilly: Oh, I'm not sure. Father Maguire has other duties in the parish.
- Father Dougal McGuire: Like what?
- [Ted thinks, but can't answer]